BAD BAD WEEKEND

Thank you to everyone who gave me good recommendation re: my "problem" mentioned in the last post. I did try prune juice once, but drinking it made me gag, so I am excited to try yummy prune yogurt- and I never thought of eating whole prunes!

This has been a very disapointing weekend for me. It may be all in my head, but knowing that just makes me feel worse.

I have been babysitting every Friday almost since I can remember. I continue to babysit even though I should probably phase it out now because I'm too tired and being tired makes the once "cute" kids seem like little holy terrors. I babysat three kids this Friday (4 years, 2 years, 3 months) for eight hours. It took a lot out of me and all I really wanted to do was come home and cuddle with my husband.

Early Saturday my husband had to help drive his mom down to Oregon. So I woke up alone in my house. I ran my errands and had a "me" day. Then I planned a big fun meal, my husband's favorite. Except he called halfway through my cooking to tell me he was going to visit a friend and wouldn't come home until late. I was really upset. I know he has a right to visit his friends. But I was looking forward to being with him all day. So I pouted in the phone and said "that's stupid." His reply was, "I think it's stupid when you babysit." This totally pissed me off. I've been babysitting forever- he knows that and it's a way for me to make extra money. So he knows that we get to hang out on Saturday instead. Apparently he didn't seem to care. So ever since he called me yesterday to tell me that, I have been depressed and on the verge of tears. I had my family over to eat the food I made. When they left, I was exhausted and fell asleep. Husband came home aroud 10, but I was mad and tired and went straight to bed.

Today was my day to study. I packed up my books and head to Starbucks to be productive. Barely exchanged a "hi" with my husband. I still felt crappy and sad and angry (are my emotions running away from me?). When I got to Starbucks, I realized I left my book at home which made me feel worse. I read a couple assigned articles for a different class but I got frustrated because they were so complicated that I couldn't understand them. After two hours I left Starbucks and realized I left my purse there. It was still there where I left it but that was the last straw. I started crying all the way home.

I got home and my husband tells me he's going to watch the superbowl with his friends. This makes me more angry. I decline his invitation to come with. I hate football and I can't even drink beer and the last thing I want to do is go see his friends and be smelled and licked by their stupid dog all afternoon.

I walk in the door in a tempest of anger/sadness. I throw all my stuff on the floor in front of me, including my keys which I will probably never find again, and bawl for two hours straight. I can feel my body shake from my crying. I let myself cry as loud as I want and I even hear the neighbors dog howling back at me. My cats skitter to the other side of the house. Everything I think and everything I see makes me cry even more. I'm so angry at this point. I shake the refrigerator until I hear glass break (oops what was that- oh well, I don't care). I shred the latest edition of my Foreign Policy Magazine to pieces- then crumple those pieces up into a tight ball. I look for things to destroy but I realize I'm not THAT insane. I desperately want to plug in all the appliances, turn on all the lights and crank the thermostat up to 80 just to make my husband mad.

I can't control myself right now. I just wanted to spend the weekend with my husband after not seeing him all week but now I'm so angry I don't even want to see him. At the same time, I'm pissed off that he left and ruined any chance that we might hang out before this next week starts and the business starts all over again. We haven't "baby danced" in a long time- I never want to anymore because I'm usually tired or sick and he never takes the initiative. I know this is mean, but now I want to hold it back from him on purpose FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE!

Don't even look at me wrong.

He knows I'm moody and don't feel well but he still insists on teasing me and doing things to purposefuly make me mad. This was not in the wedding vows...must be one of those added bonuses that people never warn you about.

Raining all over

This morning I just stayed in bed and watched the minutes change on my phone-- as if looking at the time long enough, I could freeze it with my icy stare (which is silly because I made up my mind long ago that if I did have a super power, it would be lightning speed transportation).

The thought of getting out of bed was grossly horrifying to me this morning. I was very happy to be smothered underneath my electric blanket in a protective coating of sweat with my hair plastered all over my face and neck all day long.

Unfortunately, my home is governed by the Universal Law of Cat-- that cats will pounce wherever they are not wanted. So my introduction to the morning was a black fuzzy paw batting my eyelids as the source of the paw purred like a rototiller in my face.

The rain had been coming down in torrents all night and into the morning. Water was everywhere outside. It swept by in deep ribbonlike streams over the roads and boldly washed over all surfaces. I was clearly thrilled to walk to work today. But who am I kidding? Sure, I like to save the earth on a daily basis and reduce America's dependance on gas which just might, in turn, solve all of our foreign policy problems...but NOT if it means getting wet!

I pack all my stuff (ten minutes late as usual) and head for the door to see that my cute, thoughtful Husband caringly left an umbrella on the doornob for me so that I wouldn't have to spend an extra 15 minutes unleashing the contents of hell in our closet all over our bedroom floor in an attempt to find it.

I smile at Husband's kind gesture as I remove the umbrella from the doornob, throw it aside and, with a twinge of guilt, grab the keys to my hip aerostar van. I walk down the steps to the sidewalk and stare in disbelief. I suddenly don't notice that my new shoes are in two inches of standing water, that ten minutes of painstaking haircare is unraveling defiantly in the wind, or that my mouth is open wide enough to fit an entire Philly Cheesesteak inside, because...the van...is gone!

I run back inside and grab the umbrella, no longer thinking Huband's little gesture was cute, or kind, or caring. That stinker drove MY car and all he could do was leave me a dinky umbrella?