Hopefully My Last Blunder Of 2009

Today was a crazy day for me cleaning, laundering, and cooking. My son went to his grandma's house and, OMG, I got to take a shower ALONE!!! He usually insists on sitting in the tub playing with the faucet while I shower. It's not very fun tripping over a 15 month old while trying to rinse that shampoo out of your eyes, especially when the shampoo got there because the 15 month old turned the nozzle all the way to COLD, causing you to jump in the air mid-lather.

So yeah, the shower by myself was AMAZING.

Then I mopped all the floors in the house. And started cooking my very favorite meal- meatball sliders with galric-molasses mini-rolls (thank you Smitten Kitchen). So then I started on a load of laundery. Our couch majorly needed to be washed. I took the blanket we use as a couch cover/slip and threw it in with a load of my whites. (Amber Alert: Cee mixes her colors and whites! Alert the National Guard!). While it was drying I finished my cooking meal and got all my appetizers to the table. When the dryer buzzer went off I pulled just the couch cover out of the machine and draped it (not so) neatly on the couch. Not too shabby.

I finish up in the kitchen until the doorbell rings- woo hoo- my guests have arrived! As I walk to the door, I notice a lavender colored lacey thong static clinging to my couch!! Oh man! I pulled it off and shoved it into my pocket just as my guests were walking in. CLOSE CALL.

I kinda wish I didn't catch it in time. It would have been really embarassing but really funny to have my husband's friend sit on the couch and then pull a lacey thong out from under his butt.

Trouble In The Animal Kingdome

Jacob and I were reading an animal book this morning. I decided this would ge a great learning opportunity and I started to introduce Jacob to all the sounds that animals make.

"Look Jacob, it's a sheep! Sheep says 'baaaah.'"

Turn the page.

"This is a monkey. Monkeys say 'eeee, eee, oooo, oooo.'"

"Can you say bear? Bears say 'Grrr!.'"

"This is a hippo......um.....hippo says..... 'ROAR!'"

"And this is a giraffe, a giraffe says......um..... 'ROAR!'"

"A rhino says............?.......... 'ROAR!'?"

"Ooooh, how about the alligator! An alligator say..... wait a sec?.....um..... 'ROAR!'"

"Look at the camel Jacob. The camel also says 'ROAR!'"

"How about the lion. I KNOW the lion says 'ROAR!'"

"This is a walrus. A walrus says...........????.....ummmm......"

Jacob looks at me and says, "ROAR!"

Poor Jacob. He will have to re-learn all the animal noises in kindergarten. All his classmates will be able to correctly identify the "growl" of a platypus and, thanks to his genius and creative mother, Jacob will think it says "ROAR!"

Stay At Home Mom Fail

Some moments I love being a temporary stay at home mom. I love spending the entire day with my Jacob making each mundane activity into a wild, baby adventure. Going to the store is fun when I let him get out and push my cart, watch him point and name all the fruit and experience the wonders of new sights and sounds through his eyes. We spent all day lounging, reading books, watching Elmo on my laptop, eating cookies and chasing each other around the house. Everything in the world seems perfect and I feel like I am right where I belong.

Then I have moments like I am having right now where I would pay a million dollars to get out of the house and just get away from him. Moments when he is so tired and whinny but won't take a nap, he runs around the house screaming or crying over silly things like his sock came off or I won't let him play with a knife. And the house is a mess and I can't even get dressed without him clinging to me and all I want is to eat a stinking piece of toast IN PEACE! I put him in his crib because he is CLEARLY EXHAUSTED but he screams at the top of his lungs for 65 minutes. My patience is gone and I'm using all my excess energy (which isn't much) to will myself from smacking him in the noggin with the largest stuffed animal I can find.

I hate the person I become when Jacob has a bad day. I become a raving, savage and violent lunatic. My emotions get the best of me and I lose control of myself. I hate being this way. Jacob doesn't MEAN to make me angry but I always take it so personally- like he had this whole day planned as a personal vendetta against me. Jacob needs a mom who is always loving and kind and understanding. When he's upset he needs someone to hold him and comfort him. Instead, I force him to scream himself to sleep while I mutter swear words under my breath and lose my temper. After going into his room for the fifth time to make him lay back down, I lost control. I smacked his butt and forced his head down with my hand. Then I took off his Elmo slippers and threw them across the room.

OMG, WHO AM I?

After screaming for 65 minutes, he finally fell asleep and I'm sitting on the couch feeling nothing but guilty. I might have won considering he is finally getting his nap but an hour of hell for what I know will only be a 30 minute nap is just not worth it. Is there a scarlet letter branded on my forehead- because there should be. I feel like a horrible mom. Maybe I just wasn't cut out for this stay at hom mom stuff. Thank goodness I have the bar exam coming up to keep me occupied. I need to start work and I need to do it soon.

Christmas In A Faithless, Consumer World

I can't believe Christmas Day is over! I spent two months waiting for it to come and then it just blew by! I barely had time to soak it all in before it was gone. I grew up Catholic and even thought I stopped going to church and practicing Catholicism, parts of my old faith tingle inside me once in a while, perhaps in the same way that a body misses and still feels a lost limb. I rarely get religious on this blog so just bear with me if you will.

When it comes to religion, it's not that I'm hell bent on not believing. It's not that I believe I am "above" religion or that I am too educated to have faith. In fact, I WISH I believed. It seems that religion is a big source of comfort for many people. Where I am afraid of dying, others are comforted to believe they will be in a better place. I love the Catholic traditions I grew up with and I know very many devout Catholics who are some of the most inteligent people I know. But I question everything. I doubt everything. My lawyer mind wants evidence and proof. The logical side of my brain rejects everything supernatural or Divine. I will never believe in ghosts or big foot. I won't ever believe in alien abductions. Heck, I don't even believe in the dog whisperer!

I want to belong to a faith. I have friends that are part of wonderful and close knit communities. I feel like a lost wondering soul that just doesn't belong. And I can't help but think most religious people are super cheesy. I respect them and I am in awe in their ability to have such deep faith. And I want to be have what they have, but it's impossible. My logical side just scoffs at it all. It's like there are two people in my mind- one religious and one atheist. Somehow, the atheist always wins.

So during Christmas, I open my mind and my eyes and I take everything in. I enjoy the traditions that I remember as a child- such as lighting the advent wreath, putting out the nativity set, attending Christmas Eve Mass and celebrating Jesus' birthday. I try to get into the mindset of what Christmas is about- one man sacrificing his life for the rest of the world. I also try to stay away from the consumerism, because it can pull you in so easily and it sickens me that buying things and accumulating objects is all to often the focus of American holidays. I focus on giving back to others and spending time with the people I love. And I hope someday, someway, somehow, I will be able to Believe with the same conviction as the childhood me.

As much as I hate focusing on presents and gifts, Jacob did make out like a bandit this year. It's so much fun watching the holidays through his eyes. Everything is new to him still. He reminds me to turn on the Christmas tree lights, and help him put on his Christmas socks each day. Being with my family was the best part of this Christmas season.

Lust, Incest and Money- You Will Find It All Here Folks, At Starting To Melt.

To continue my theme from last post, in case you missed it, that theme would be spending loads of cold hard CASH on ridiculous things like Christmas gifts...and ME...

So I think this whole money thing is really getting to me. I mean, aside from living the next three months with my breath held until a nice little income stream starts pouring in, the whole being in debt and living off my credit cards is starting to get to my subconscious as well. I had a dream last night that I held a giant graduation party. Long lost family members from all over the country poured in to pay me a visit. And, I guess I wasn't too ashamed to show my greedy self, I had a big glass bowl on the table just ready and willing to accept cash graduation gifts.

People would walk by and drop in a one or five dollar bill as they entered my party. Then some random young dude dropped a HONKIN' wad of greens into the bowl. My first thought was, WOAH- how much was that?! My second thought was, who is this young guy that he can part with wads of money like that? My third question contained two parts: (1) is he related to me and (2) is he single? I guess my dream self was not married yet. In my dream he ended up being a far removed cousin and he resembled a quasi boyfriend from undergrad (quasi as in we had a movie date once at his condo, he took me to his room and asked for a blow job, I pretended to be tired, left and never called him again- oh and this guy supposedly knew Bill Clinton- yeah right...). Oh and this cousin, apparantly wanted me.

So, I'm not sure if that dream was good or bad. My money worries were temporarily abated by my distant hot and rich cousin who wanted me. But then I woke up and realized I didn't have a rich distant cousin. I certainly didn't have one that was hot or that wanted me. And I'm still up to my butt in debt.

Life goes on.

And with that, "Merry Christmas Eve Eve."

Spend Now, Income Later

So I think I've mentioned before how I feel guilty that I have a job lined up while my classmates who graduated 6 months ago are still job searching. I really do feel guilty. I know I probably shouldn't, but that's just how I am- I am the person who feels so guilty using the last piece of toilet paper in a public restroom that I opt for the seat cover instead. In a world of natural selection, I'd die out first because I'd be too guilty outliving someone else.

As much as I do feel guilty about the associate positon I have lined up for immediately after the bar exam, I am SO FREAKING GRATEFUL to have potential employment. My firm officially made me an offer on fancy letterhead and everything. And I officially accepted the offer. But nothing in life is ever this easy. I have this horrible sensation in the pit of my stomach- like it's not real. It's too good to be true. My biggest fear right now is that the firm will take back their offer before I begin. It's this haunting feeling that won't go away. I think it has to do with the fact that the economy is still on the mend and that most lawstudents in my class have been unemployed for six months, and have no bites. And I've heard horror stories from others about rescinded job offers.

Thank you employment law research memo of summer 2007 for reminding me that I have no property interest in an at-will employment position.

Anyway, I need this job more than ever now. Part of it has to do with my $120K in outstanding student loan debt. Part of it has to do with the fact that I need a career and experience. But mostly, I'm worried about how the hell I'm going to pay off my Christmas shopping!! I'm relying heavily on my credit card now. I may be broke, but dang it- it's CHRISTMAS. Did you hear me? It's CHRISTMAS! If you have to load yourself down in credit card debt, CHRISTMAS is a darn good reason. (But seriously, someone take my card away because I just can't stop!) The first ten gifts for my son were completely necessary, but I'm starting to question if he REALLY needed the singing and dancing light up elf, or creepy elmo that sings when you shake him (what is THAT supposed to teach our children?), the Twilight boxed set, or the "Santa Is My Homeboy" t-shirt...

I'm saving all my receipts in case I have to prove the element of "reliance" for a restitution-breach of contract claim. (How sick am I for thinking this way- thank you law school).

We Can't Take Him Anywhere

First Jacob tries to leave the house dressed like this:

But we make him change into this:

Then at the fancy country club (husband's work party) he tries to unwrap all the fake presents under the tree.

And then he violates the strict dress code by removing his shoes.

At least he's good for something at home. Here he is trying to help Daddy water the Christmas tree.

Why does He always looks guilty, even when he's being good?