Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The Love That Grows Away

The other day I came across old photos of my baby Jacob. I was amazed at how different he used to be. So tiny and helpless. I remembered looking at these pictures right after they were taken. Looking at them now, I feel like I see them differently. From the same image, I see a different version of my child. That must sound odd but I don't know if I can explain it any better.
I love each of Jacob's new stages. He's funny, smart, charming, sweet and mischevious. He tells us "I love you" (or at least, "I lub oo"). He picks up and copies our mannerisms, like holding up his hands when he asks where something "went." He also copies our phrases like "how about this." The other day he asked me for a sucker. After I told him no, he smiled, cocked his head coyly to the side and said, "Please mommy. I like sucker." Of course, I instantly gave in. Who can resist the sweet voice and head tilt?

But with each new stage of Jacob that I come to know and love, I still yearn for that little baby I once knew. The one who crawled across the living room floor. The one with the baby talk. The one with the fat, rolly legs. I know I can have another baby and that might be what this feeling is about- me telling myself I'm ready for another one. But, at the same time, I don't want just ANY baby. I'm yearning specifically for the baby that I once knew. The one that has grown up into such a handsome little toddler. It's silly to feel this way when I have such a thriving, healthy boy who adds to much joy to our lives, but I can't help it.

It reminds me that he's going to be changing for the rest of his life. He will still always be the same person but he's going to grow up so much that the person he eventually becomes will be unrecognizable as the boy he is now. That is exciting and kinda sad at the same time. I want to bottle him up and always remember him. I hate relying on my fuzzy and faulty memory for a sense of the baby he used to be and the toddler he is now.

Aint that just life?! As moms, we're doomed to fall desperately in love with something that is always changing, becoming more independent and growing more and more away from us. And it's our very love, care and guidance (and success as moms) that gives them the ability to set out on their own and live their own lives. UGH! Life's so not fair!


Shantelle said...

Once again you have perfectly captured how I have been feeling. It's hard enough knowing school is starting soon, but she keeps making so many changes it is freaking me out. We just don't see a way we can have another one (especially in good conscience) so I am aching in the knowledge I will never hold my own newborn again. And yet, I am mourning the loss of this baby, because she is not a baby anymore and never will be.

I'll tell you one thing though, my parents were always riding me to take video. I didn't see a point in video. The other day they showed me a couple of when she was just two weeks old, stretching and yawning and making little faces. I am SO grateful they have those because the video remembers better than I do. I'm taking lots more now!

Googie Baba said...

Oh, I know exactly what you mean. The other day I was thinking about the cute little things my son used to say when he was still learning how to talk. He is going to kindergarten next year. I can hardly believe it.

And thank you for your comment on my blog. It cheered me up.

PT LawMom said...

Pumpkinhead turns 7 in two weeks. The way he is growing and changing is so amazing and also hard to handle because he is less my baby. I have to keep reminding myself to enjoy the cuddles while they last. A few more years and Mommy will be chopped liver! :(