Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Ready Or Not

I am soooooooo ready for school!

For once in my life I actually ordered my school books ahead of time. And I bought five law school books for under $130. Ok I cheated. I learned last semester that having a 12th edition case book is almost exactly the same as having a 13th edition case book. There might be one or two cases that are different but I just compare my old edition book with the recent one in the library for each assignment (or I don't and pretend I do- so far it hasn't hurt me, knock on wood). And the kicker- I pay $1 for the outdated edition on instead of $165 on the brand new one.

I have also already filled out my financial aid paperwork and sent in to my school. And at this very moment, I am filling out my FAFSA. I can't believe how excited I am to return to school! All I have to do is find a way to come up with 15 extra ounces of breastmilk while not starving my baby so that my mom can feed him while I'm at school.

Oh and I have a new baby. I decided to have a funeral for my six year old 15 pound laptop. I have replaced it with a 2 pound EEE PC! It's so incredibly light! Commuting will be a breeze this semester and I might even be able to fit actual law books in my backpack now (maybe two at the most). I'm still getting used to my computer's tiny 10 inch screen (my old laptop had 17 inches of online tv viewing goodness). At first I felt pretty claustrophobic on the tiny screen but I think I'm getting used to it.

Poor Jacob, this laptop is my new baby (and it doesn't require late night feedings or diaper changes).

Sunday, December 28, 2008

What She Thinks About During Sex

My husband started making the moves on me last night but I wasn't in the mood. But who am I to turn a man down? Especially a man who wants ME. A man who gets excited about ME. Regardless of the mood I am in, it is always reasurring to be the object of someone's desire. So I caved. Well, physically anyway.

In my head, my thoughts were going in all directions BUT the bedroom. At least three times during our session I had to stop myself from making my internal dialogue external.

The night went something like this- ok I exercised my creative license with the sex talk, but don't you wish we talked like this?:

He says: "You're so sexy baby."
She wants to say, "Did you ever send a Christmas card to the Stanleys? They sent us one but I can't remember sending them one."
She actually says: "You make me so hot."

He says: "Is this how you like it?"
She wants to say: "Our cute customized return address labels were delivered today- I can't wait to show them to you!"
She actually says: "oooooh, yeah- like that!"

He says: "You're so naughty- here's your spanking."
She wants to say: "Should I get a sitter for New Year's Eve or should we just hang out at home?"
She actually says: "Spank me harder- yeah..."

And another Mommy Milestone is complete.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Stuff On My Baby

Stuff + Baby = Fun!

*Inspired by Stuff On My Cat


This didn't last. Tonight Jacob spent 45 minutes crying screaming about an hour before bedtime. Then AT bedtime he screamed 40 more minutes before I couldn't stand it anymore and was teetered on the edge of causing bodily harm to anyone in my vicinity. I reluctantly picked him up and nursed him to sleep. Another damn point for the baby.

It's the sleep deprivation talking but I'm so frustrated I want to take a bat and smash something. And I'm so freaking tired of hearing about other people's babies who sleep like angels.

I know I need to be patient and just appreciate my time with Jacob but I'm due some serious sleep/me time. And I'd sell my last pair of clean underwear to get it.

Oh wait, I'm wearing them and they have already been reversed for day #2. How the hell do mothers of demanding infants find time to do laundry???

Friday, December 26, 2008

Jacob's First Christmas

Photos from our two day Christmas Extravaganza!

Jacob and Humphrey the Bear.

This Gap hat is size 0-6 months and it doesn't fit Jacob's HUGE 4 month old head. But he looks like a pirate. A cute pirate!

My dad got stuck in the snow on the way to my grandma's house- he will never brag about his Camry again. My husband had to shovel him out with a dust pan.

The End.

Silent Night

OMG. It's a miracle. I still can't believe my ears!!!

I completed the bedtime ritual with Jacob- food, books, saying "goodnight" to everything in the house (including the thermostat, Daddy's Cottage Living Magazine, and Mommy's last year's FAFSA paperwork). Then I swadded him, cuddled him, and set him in his crib. We sang a song or two and I watched him play with his hands for a couple minutes. Then I left the room.

For ten minutes the baby monitor sputtered soft sounds of sleepy baby groans. Then...SILENCE. Complete, golden, priceless silence. I peeked back in and saw Jacob sprawled out in his crib fast asleep. He did not cry. Not even once. This is a glorious night. One point for me. Only 119 points for baby.

I think it's true what the say- a consistent bedtime routine at a consistent time each night, and putting baby to bed BEFORE he is tired is the key. We will see what tomorrow night brings.

UPDATE: Jacob slept for six hours straight! He hasn't slept that long in two months!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Haunted by Christmases Past

There will always be that one toy that you desperately wanted as a child. One year you asked Santa to bring it to you for Christmas (and maybe you asked every Christmas until you were 15). But every year, the toy elluded your greedy little kid paws. The wanting continued... until your hope dried up and your heart grew hollow. And you lost all faith in Santa and his STUPID ELVES (why couldn't they just get it right?).

Eventually you stopped trusting the world and your outlook on life became dark and full of doom.

And it's all because you never got Go Go My Walking Pup!!!

he's a puppy that walks just like a real dog- he even comes with a pretty purple leash!

Moral of the story- give your kids what they really want EVEN if it does require batteries.

So what toy did Failure Santa not bring you?

Monday, December 22, 2008

Post De Hind Region

I don't have an intelligent post today. Rather, I have an assortment of odd-ball comments that have are hind region themed.

1. I haven't gone on a run since Jacob was one month old. And I LIKE it. I LOVE basking in my laziness. Not running every day is something that would have given me nightmares last year. But the downside? FLAT ASS. Pancake flat. Indiana wheat field flat. Pre-pubescent eight year old chest flat. I ran over a nail with my tire and it's flat FLAT. Yeah. That. Can you inject botox into your ass?

2. It's my husband's favorite time of the month. It's the I've neglected to do laundry like my laundry machine is the center of hate which also happens to increase cellulite and the accessive storage of fat cells and now I only have a handful of thongs left to wear Time of the Month. This is the time when all my lacey, frilly thongs come out of hiding and manage to wedge themselve in places that shall not be named as I go about my daily business.

3. I just happened to be drying my hair this morning in my tank top and a bright yellow thong when husband walked in. I may have crossed my legs and leaned forward provocatively, but that is no excuse for him to land a loud slap across my thigh. Seriously. There is the perfect red outline of a handprint there. And it still stings. Note to self: never try to be sexy while my backside is exposed.

4. Someone at Fred Meyer today happened to forget the Eleventh Commandment. Thou Shalt Not Wear Panties That Sit Higher Than Thy Pants' Waistline- And If Thou Does, Thou Shall Not Bend Over. Seriously people.

4. I was glimpsing through some old college photos on my computer and I realized that I missed my college dance party days. Me and a cross country team mate would sneak into the local bar with fake IDs (one time I was allowed in with my of-age Korean friend's ID). We wouldn't even drink alcohol because if we got caught drinking we would be kicked off our team (we were more scared of our coach than the local authorities who love to crash bars and arrest underage attendees). All we wanted to do was SHAKE OUR BOOTIES. It was a sad but serious case of booty shaking deprivation. You can't keep a good booty shaker down. While completely sober, we would dominate the dance floor and dance crazier than any of the drunkies. And we would compete to see who could slap the most stranger's butts without being caught in the act. (Once you slapped a behind, you had to turn the other way and act completely natural as the victim surveyed the busy dance floor in an attempt to find the perp).

I was awesome as a nerdy, sober college athlete. What? You want evidence?

Sunday, December 21, 2008

There Is A Reason It's Called Family PLANNING

Things change when your household size grows from 2 to 2.5.

I can no longer sleep on my stomache when all of us are sharing our miniature double bed. I have to turn sideways to fit. (Seriously? What kind of married couple still sleeps in a double? Maybe that's how I got pregnant- husband had a wild dream, got excited, rolled over, and OOPS! There was just no where else for his man part to go except for- you guessed it.)

We often have to eat in shifts and it's rare that I get to enjoy a meal without a screaming baby in the background. Dinner time is crabby time.

For someone who is a one-eighth of my size, Jacob generates a TON of extra laundry! Maybe it has to do with the fact that he doesn't know how to NOT (excuse the language) shit himself.

And we have to PLAN sex. PLAN. That is he definition of unsexy right there.

"When Jacob goes to sleep do you wanna do me?"
"Before he wakes up for the first time or the second time?"
"How about the first time so I'm not tired."
"You better NOT be tired you owe me more than five minutes."
"Ok deal."

"Is the baby monitor on?"
"I thought I heard a noise."
"It's the cats wrestling."
"They will wake him up! Quick, put them in the basement!"

3/4 of the way through the deed:
"I think the laundry machine buzzer is going to go off soon."
"I have to stop it before it wakes Jacob up!"

Amost done with deed:
"Can you finish in less than 60 seconds?"
"The mood. It's dead."

Jacob is finally sound asleep again:
"Let's try this again."
"I'm too tired. But you can help yourself if you want..."

Not Your Grandma's Nutcracker

My husband surprised me two weeks ago and told me he bought us tickets to the Nutcracker. I was thrilled that he planned a night out for us- it came out of nowhere and I love being surprised!

While I was excited to spend a night on the town, going to see the Nutcracker would not have been my first choice. I saw it last year for the first time as an adult and it's just not the same when you are all grown up. But I wasn't about to tell my husband! A night out IS a night out and I want to encourage him to do this in the future-- wink!

Well the joke was on me. He took me to see the Nutcracker but it wasn't your classic ballet. Nope. It was a "Burlesque Nutcracker" in which each scene the actors stripped down to pasties and thongs/banana hamocks and it was all set to swing-style music. The Nutcracker on Crack. It was definately entertaining. I think I saw enough skin to last me the rest of my life.

There were aerialistas

And a risque sugar plum ferry

And sex dancing

And men in tutus and pasties....

Next year I might take Grandma.

*pictures courtesy of this man's flickr account

Thursday, December 18, 2008

When Motherhood Makes You Feel Rotten

Jacob fell asleep gently in my arms tonight. I looked down at his peaceful, closed eyes and his pair of round cheeks in complete adoration. Getting up, I tiptoed into his room and slowly put him down in his crib. Turned on the baby monitor, snuck out the door and breathed a sigh of anticipated relief.

An hour later, I heard him stirring. Then the crying started. I tried to calm him by patting his tummy and offering him a pacifier but the crying wouldn't stop. UGH. I did not want to have to spend another hour trying to rock him to sleep. There goes my nice evening. So I decided to see if Jacob would quiet down on his own.

20 minutes later, the cries turned into screams. It became piercing. I was frustrated and upset. This was starting to become a nighty thing- Jacob waking up for no good apparent reason to scream his head off. I was getting so fed up with it. As Jacob screamed and thrashed in his crib I began to take it personally, like he was doing it just to piss me off. Each new cry made me angrier. I wanted to throw a stuffed animal into his red, screaming face.

That was it- I needed to leave the room and cool off.

I sat outside his bedroom door for another 20 minutes, anger stewing. When my ears could take no more, I reluctantly went in and picked him up. His face was hot and wet. His hands gathered the fabric of my sweatshirt and he clung desperately to me as if life, itself, depended upon it. His screaming stopped and was replaced with loud gasps for breath. He rubbed his head into my chest and sighed.

I immediately felt horrible. I cradled his shaking body and rocked him to sleep. I would have given anything to communicate an apology to him. To beg for his foregiveness. But he just wrapped his tiny hand around my finger and closed his eyes- as if to say "it's Ok." He's such a simple, little creature. He didn't care that I had abandoned him to cry for what seemed like forever. He didn't even need an apology. All he needed was to be held, by the rotten, selfish Mom.

They say a mother's love is unconditional. Maybe so, but a baby's love is simple and pure. I could never compete with that.

I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Claus

Behold our 2008 Christmas Card photo!*

Caption: "I saw Mama Kissing Santa Claus"

It's almost as good as last year's:

* My husband has amazing photoshop skill- I bet you would never have guessed that he cut out Jacob's head from another photo and pasted it on this one!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Yay, Photo Tag!!

I've been tagged! I think this is hilarious especially because people keep some random pictures on their computers!

The Rules:
1) Choose the 4th folder where you store your pictures on your computer
2) Select the 4th picture in the folder
3) Explain the picture
4) Tag 4 people to do the same
NO CHEATING! (cropping, editing, etc!)

At first I thought I woud have to post a really boring picture but then I realized that the second folder I counted contained Adobe files (not a place where I store my pics)- so I got to select the next consecutive folder. This isn't cheating is it? I'm a law student, I know that rules are only as good as their interpretation!

This was taken when my future husband came to visit me the day after I hosted a friend's 25th birthday party. The stars must have been aligned just right for me to convince him to not just wear the tiara, but snap an incriminating picture as well! After this he installed some blinds over my window while wielding a powertool in order to regain his masculinity.

It just so happens, this ties in with the post I was planning for today:

Real men can wear pink. And bows. And lace.

Like father, like son.

If you're up to the challenge, I tag Tranny Head, PT Law Mom, Butterflyfish and A New Duck!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Brimming With Joy (& Christmas Music)

Ever since I heard about, I've been obsessed with playing Christmas music all day long!

This evening after Jacob was put to bed, I was doing my daily blog reading and listening to a string of holiday melodies. Out of nowhere my husband laughs and says, "You're cute Cee." His statement was dripping with endearing love and light hearted ridicule.

"What? Because I'm listening to Christmas music?" I asked indignantly?

"No because you are singing along to it. By yourself. And it's ridiculous."

I guess I had been singing along to "holly jolly christmas" without even realizing it. But seriously, my singing isn't THAT bad. And I love christmas music. There is just something about knowing all the words to feel-good tunes that elicit childhood memories of Christmases past. Who can listen to it WITHOUT singing along? Only a cold hearted Grinch!

But if my husband thinks THAT is ridiculous, I'm gad he's not home all day to witness me singing boisterously to Jacob (complete with AMAZING dance steps, facial expressions and hand gestures). Jacob LOVES christmas music too. Especially when I sing it!

Christmas & Mothers

My very Catholic background kicks in once in a while. Yesterday I was driving to the store and listening to Christmas music. Silent Night came on and I teared up all over the place. Particularly over thoughts of Mary. Yes, Catholics are famous for their "Mary worship."

I have been in a religious funk/crisis this past year. But I pushed my questions, criticisms, and doubt aside for just a minute and soaked in the emotional power of God coming to earth as a baby. And the thought of a human mother bringing him into the world. I hope God showed her some mercy via a miraculous and jumbo-sized Epidural. Maybe he threw in some needle-less morphine shots for good measure?

This is really the first year that I understand the importance and magnitude of Mary's sacrifice. Not only did she carry and give birth to a Very Important Baby- but she raised him to one day witness his torture and death on a cross for millions of thankless souls. That is real sacrifice and I cannot imagine the strength someone like Mary must have had.

I die a million deaths when Jacob gets shots. The thought of him experiencing unpleasantries in the future makes me want to throw my body in front of a bus. Watching FICTIONAL movies in which babies cry gives me a heart attack! How could one woman give up her only son and watch him suffer and die? Only another mother could understand her magnificance. Days like today, I think it's totally fitting to "worship" Mary.

Monday, December 15, 2008

I'm Officially The Best Mom Ever, You Can Hold Your Applause

For the first time since my last law grade trickled in, I did something that resulted in a final product and some instant gratification. I MADE Jacob's Christmas stocking!! It only took three days. I followed the instructions on this site:

Then I appliqued fabric to the front to make a fun snowman! Completing this one craft project has given me the ego and confidence to run for President of the United States (ok, maybe just of the local 4-H group). Today I mended applique stockings...tomorrow, the economy/deficit/international relations/health care system/environment!

Shhh, Don't tell Jacob that his "J" is off center. He hasn't noticed yet.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

The Sad Thing Is: I'm Not Even Kidding

I asked my husband what he wanted for Christmas this year. And his honest to god, truthful response was:

"A nice iron and a subscription to Cottage Living Magazine."

Wait? Am I shopping for my Husband or my mom?

Saturday, December 13, 2008


I found threatened my husband with bodily force to give me some old pictures from my husband's computer. There were pictures of Jacob when he was less than an hour old. After my c-section I was given a glimpse of Jacob before they whisked him away to make sure he was healthy (I had a fever during labor and they were very concerned about his health). I didn't actually get to meet him until three or four hours later (I think I was passed out for a while or something).

So the first couple hours of Jacob's life are mysterious to me. I didn't get to be there when father met son. I didn't get to witness his first breath or have the doctors place him directly against my skin as I had dreamed about for eight months. I didn't watch the doctors clean him up. I have NO IDEA what they even did to him during that time. Was he sad? Was he scared?

These pictures are my only window into the first hours of Jacob's life.

Look at that conehead!

And it's amazing to think he went from this:

To this:

Friday, December 12, 2008

There Goes The Resume

A word or two of wisdom:

If you are a innocent undergraduate student of political science, be wary. If you are wide-eyed at the opportunity to intern with THE Governor's Office and thinking about the wonders that experience will do for your resume (even if it IS only data entry), be wary.

You might want to consider whether your governor is susceptibe to criminal behavior and/or political corruption. Or you may find yourself with a ominous black mark on your educational and work history.

Thanks. Alot. Blagojevich.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The Magical Exploding Pooey Volcano

In a previous post, I desperately asked for advice on getting baby poo stains out of cute baby clothing. Then, like all new parents end up doing, I asked my mom. She stopped by our house yesterday for a quick visit so I thought I would subject her to the Dilemma of the Century. I showed her Exhibit A and Exhibit B (two cute sleepers coated in a gooey mustardy substance being soaked in cold water).

Good Ol' Mom's advice: soak them in some vinegar.

"Ok," I told her, "I will definately try that next time."

Then I heard my washing machine buzzer go off. I put the pooey clothes on the floor (they were in a bucket remember? I'm not THAT gross) and I ran down stairs to put my clothes in the dryer.

I came back up just in time to watch my mom pour half a bottle of vinegar into the pooey clothes bucket. Then erupted the magical, colorful, bubbling volcano. Because, I forgot to tell my mom that I had already been soaking those clothes in half a box of baking soda.

The result was much like the volcano science projects you make in third grade. Except much pooey-er. Wonderful!

The Frothy Aftermath:

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Candy Bar Conspiracy

I'm in the middle of a crisis.

There were three Milky Ways in my "candy stash" this morning. I know I have reached into the stash more than once tonight- but really? Three? In one day? It cannot be! There must be some kind of sugar crazed mouse in the house.

Have candy bars shrunk since I was a kid? Or is it just that I am bigger?

There must be some kind of multi-pronged milky way conspiracy going around.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Introducing Your Next Super Hero: The Reluctant Empathiser

I have an unhealthy impulse to want to help all of mankind.

I'm usually quite capable of drowning it out most of the year when I'm preoccupied with my personal responsibilities, daily routine and instant desires. I mean who can think about saving the world when Nordstrom is having it's yearly half off sale or when you are at risk of having the dignity kicked out of you by an ornerous Professor and his deadly Socratic Method. I hate to admit it but the thought of starving children in Africa is kind of a downer when you are enjoying an expensive meal out on the town with your girlfriends.

In the hustle and bustle of everyday, my philanthropic intentions often get pushed to the side and forgotten unless the needs of others are brought directly to my attention. But the holiday season always seems to bring the needs of others (or at least what I PERCEIVE their needs to be) to the forefront. A force of nature constantly drums the back of my head- urging me to do something.

It's like I'm a super hero and my calling is to eliminate the sadness, disappointment, and pain that I perceive in the world. Minor problem: I'm doing a lot of perceiving and not a lot of eliminating. During the holidays I just can't seem to shut off my fountain of empathy. This makes me miserable because often times I lack the means, ability, or the guts to help. I didn't ask for this gift, mind you. It found me. I'm a RELUCTANT super hero.

When I visit my single friends with small children and see how hard they work, I have this heart tugging urge to anonymously send them things they need in the mail. When I found out that my mom was only giving my ten year old brother socks for St. Nicholas Day, I had to run to the nearest toy store, buy something amazing, and beg my mom to give it to him instead (when I was growing up my parents always put a small toy in our shoe on St. Nicholas Day and the thought of my brother finding a disappointing pair of socks was TOO MUCH TO BEAR).

One time in highschool, I saw a Maury episode featuring orphan teens. Ever since, I have been haunted by the fact that there are acne-ridden, hormone crazed teen with behavioral issues out there that need families! After the show, I think I paced around my room for an hour trying to figure out what I could do. Never mind that I was a teenager myself because, seriously, they needed MOMS. FAST. I had to do something! See how traumatizing my human empathy is? To this day Maury taunts me from the back of my mind.

The other day I read an article about how food stamps and WIC benefits are not keeping up with this year's food inflation. One woman told the reporter that she often had to go hungry so she coud afford to feed her young daughter. My mind almost exploded. People are going hungry, people! We have to do something! It was all I could do to stop myself from taking my MasterCard and buying baby formula for all the families within driving distance of my house.

See. There is so much need. And, aside from participating in the various Secret Santa charity programs, so little I can do at this very instant. It's heart breaking. Families are hungry. Children will not get toys for Christmas. People are losing their jobs. And I can do nothing but keep thinking about it.

Maybe this is why I need to be in law school. Not only will all the hours of studying fry my brain and make it impossibe to think about anything but finals. But when I graduate, maybe I can do some good. Help change some laws. Represent the needy. Save the World. And then maybe I can go to bed at night during the holidays.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Natural Law Of Baby #1

Jacob was baptised this weekend. That's one more baby soul for God and one less for Simon Cowell. Oops, I mean The Devil.

It ended up being a dual baptism. But, all in all, there were three babies in attendance. I think when we weren't looking the babies met up at Burger King and ordered Whopper Jrs. with extra Mayo. Because right before the ceremony, the three of us moms found ourselves bathing our babies in the church's bathroom sink, trying to erase remnants of Major Diaper Blowouts from our children's bodies and clothing. This ALWAYS happens when I decide not to bring an extra change of clothes.

Natural Law of Baby #1: the one day you aren't prepared for your baby to poo all over himself because he has been constipated for four days and, really, what are the chances that he'll go NOW?, is the exact day your baby will let loose four days worth of buttery popcorn smelling poo over any objects within a three foot radius.

But you know, it could have been worse. Jacob could have pooed in his beautifully white baptismal gown and down the priest's robe mid-candle lighting. Talk about Holy Shit. Sorry, I couldn't help it.

Does anyone know a secret to getting mustard colored poop with a delightful seedy texture out of baby clothes? I have a bucket filled with soiled clothing just hanging out in the bathroom and it's starting to become a problem. The poop won't rinse out and there is no way I'm scrubbing that shit (literally). I soaked them in cold water and baking soda but the stains won't come out. Maybe I should dye them all mustard yellow?

Side Note: is it creepy and pedafilish to request that the kids you used to babysit be your Facebook friends? What if you think they have became incredibly hot teenagers? Really, in like 50 years, that ten year age gap will be SO COMPLETELY negligible, right?

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Class Update

When I talked to my law school nemesis the other day, I discovered that we had signed up for THREE of the same classes- so I went home and fixed that right away. How is it you never happen to sign up for the same classes as the people you like?

Now I'm officially taking the following classes*:

UCC Sales and Secured Transactions
Payment Law
Corporate Governance
Financial Institutions
Administrative Law

I will have class all day Tuesday and Thursdays (from 9am to 6pm). But that gives me the rest of the week to play with Jacob instead of doing my homework!

*We are still taking one class together. But I think I will really like that class so I'm not letting her take it away from me!

Why I Burned The French Toast And Why The Chicken Piccata Tastes Like Gasoline

Once there was a girl. Her name rhymed with pee. She liked to cook. Alot. But her parents talked her out of going to culinary school (Liberal Arts Education or Bust!). They also talked her out of going to Montana State University, thank goodness- but that's another story. So she went to law school. But sitting in front of her laptop in Business Entities, she missed her apron. And her rolling pin. And the crazy measuring cups with the numbers rubbed off (Is this the 1/3 cup measurer? We'll say it is).

Her love affair with the kitchen continued in her spare time (i.e. when she was supposed to be reading casebooks). Cee made spicey pumpkin breads and to-die-for tamarind chicken. She whipped up delicious blackberry cobblers and pan roasted exotic moroccan steaks. Cee was in heaven. She was having fun. So MUCH fun, in fact, that Cee felt she must be doing something a little bit naughty (the Catholic in her).

One day Cee got pregnant. She decided to take a semester off of law school to cook all day take care of her baby. She laid awake each night dreaming of the creations she would make in the kitchen.

Then Cee actually had her baby. And she found that she was suddenly missing one hand. Where did it go? It was constantly tucked under the smellier side of That Baby. That Crying Insomniac Baby. But Cee didn't let That Baby get in the way of her Kitchen Lust. Cee continued to chop onions and measure spices and peel potatoes and mix cookie dough with her one free hand.

Cooking with one hand is very hard and can even interfer with one's motor skills. And sometimes, having a baby over your shoulder can impair your vision. That is why Cee often had to explain to The Husband why gooey chocolate chips, minced garlic or marinated capers found their way onto That Baby's head and inside That Baby's clothing. That is also why Cee's culinary creations are now sometimes left untouched by her dinner guests. (NOTE: Husband is not so lucky. He must eat the food on the table or STARVE. So what if he gets indigestion. It's called a "Marital Hazard").

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Call Me A Homicidal Maniac Crazy

Yes, my baby is only three months old.

No, he does not sleep through the night (on a bad night, he wakes up every hour past his initial four hour sleep stretch).

I'm quite aware that the horrors of potty training, teething, and terrible twos are in my not-so-distant future.

There are days where I want to take my frustration and sleep deprivation out on the world via a massive wrecking ball.

I vaguely remember that the day after my c-section, I wimpered that I was NEVER DOING THAT (pregnancy/labor/being cut in half) AGAIN.

But I keep thinking that it wouldn't be such a bad thing if I got pregnant again- now. I even kind of WANT to. I know it sounds crazy, but a part of me is already yearning for baby #2. No matter how much work, blood, sweat and tears it requires, I love this baby stuff. I love babies. I especially love MY babies. I think I want ten.

Can't you see why?

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Rocket Man

Wasn't someone going to create "The Most Ridiculous Looking Baby" contest?


Jacob rolled over yesterday! I put him on the floor for some quality tummy time yesterday- he's been holding his head up 90 degrees for two weeks now. The second I put him down he started tipping to one side. Then he brought his left foot up and under himself. One kick and BOOM! Jacob was on his back staring at the ceiling in shock.

I put him back on his tummy and he rolled over twice more- one time for our video camera!

Friday, November 28, 2008

Bi-Polar Holiday

I spent Thanksgiving feeling a mix between thankful and disappointed.

Lately, I've been spending a lot of time realizing how lucky I am. I have a little family that brings me so much happiness and love. While we certainly do not have much money right now, we have enough to pay the mortgage on a nice and (mostly) warm home. We have enough to eat well, to pay our bills and buy the things need. Lately, I have been carrying around this gut sickness over how materialistic I can be and how much we live in a country of consumers. I keep feeling haunted by guilt over the fact that we can purchase so much unecessary stuff when other people are trying hard to feed their families and provide a christmas gift or warm jacket for their chidren.

I'm so blessed with love AND material needs. I definately need to look into ways I can help others this holiday season.

While I was thankful for food, family and friends, my Thanksgiving this year did not live up to Thanksgivings of the past. I built it up so much in my mind the past week and I wanted our first Thanksgiving with Jacob to me AMAZING. I always get holiday let down, even on the best holidays.

We divided our Thanksgiving Day between my family and my husband's family. I don't think I recommend that, nor will we be doing that again in the future. Dinner with my family was an hour late so we had to leave before we could gather around the table with everyone. When we got to husband's family, they had already eaten. So while there were plenty of leftovers for us, we didn't get to sit around the table with everyone and enjoy their company.

After dinner, Jacob was really fussy. I spend the rest of the evening walking him up and down the hallway trying to get him to settle down or take a nap. It's frustrating right now that I'm the only one who can (or is it that I'm the only one who is willing to) calm him down. when he's really fussy, he will cry in my arms forever fighting off sleep. Husband will make an attempt but hands Jacob over to me after 5 or 10 minutes of his crying.

I came home feeling a little gloomy. Then my husband got crabby at me. Sometimes if I make a mess or leave a sock in the bathroom, he freaks out and I feel like he's treating me like a child. Because, you know, when you have a fussy baby in one hand and you are trying to cook, do household chores, or do simple "me" things like put PJs on or brush teeth, it should be impossible to leave a trail of messes behind you. Next time he complains, I'm handing the baby over to him for the rest of the evening.

(note: This post is mostly me letting off steam. USUALLY husband is pretty good about taking the baby and playing with him for a while so I can get stuff done. But, you know, everyone has their bad days)

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Oh They Places You'll Go...To Have Green Beans

This is my Thanksgiving Green Beans post. If you don't understand the powerful second meaning behind Green Beans (trust me you want to know), then you have not been reading Tranny Head's amazing (read: hawt) blog. To learn more about Green Beans click here and here.

So here goes nothing.

When I met the man who is now my husband, I had just graduated from college and moved back home with my parents for a year of work before starting law school. I met future husband at my work. It turns out, he was also a twenty something graduate living at home. So when he finally collected the courage to ask me out to lunch (a full two months after the moment he decided he liked me) and after we started dating, we had to get creative when it came to finding places to um, display our affection and consume our green beans.

I really liked this guy but I had just ended two relationships in a row that seemed to go sour because of green beans. Our green beans weren't sour or anything- they just got in the way of maintaining a healthy, balanced diet (if you know what I mean- wink). So I had made up my mind that I wouldn't have green beans with future husband for as long as I could stand it. All in all, I made him wait it out a month. I know. I'm a horrible person. I wanted to wait longer but the temptation for green beans was just TOO GREAT.

So where did we consume green beans for the first time? Somewhere romantic? No. On the nasty bachelor-pad couch of future husband's best friend. Did the green beans taste good despite the nasty serving dish? Not exactly. I was scared and nervous so, um, I kinda just laid there. Hot right? Future husband thought it was like sharing green beans with a parapalegic.

After that the green beans were MUCH MUCH better. For both of us.

Because of our dire living situations, we ended up being very creative (read: desperate). We consumed green beans in the following places those first two years of dating:

-My Ford Aerostar Van, named the "Jesus Mobile" because of its numerous interior and exterior Jesus paraphrenalia left over from the previous owner- my mom.
-Work parking lot (in the Jesus Mobile) (x4)
-Red Apple Parking lot (Jesus Mobile)
-Neighbor's wooded driveway (Jesus Mobile)
-A dive bar's Women's Bathroom
-Home that I've house sat (3 different homes)
-In a hotel room next to our boss's hotel room
-At an undeveloped property owned by work (Jesus Mobile)
-Parent's Basement
-Double-wide trailer on the beach
-Future Husband's best friend's couch (x3)

That's what I can recall off the top of my head.

We also almost shared green beans on our Congressman's desk (he has multiple local offices and is rarely in his office that shares the same suite as ours). We walked in his office outside of office hours. I gave husband the *frisky look*. The thought crossed both of our minds. But we thought twice after worrying that the office might be under surveillance- makes sense right?

Speaking of elected officials and green beans, I once went on a date with one (a local elected official- not a green bean) before his term started. I was so excited to be out to dinner with Someone Important, that I didn't fully realize how creepy he was until too late.

He dropped me off at my place after dinner. When I didn't invite him in, he begged if he could stay the night since he lived so far away. This is when the mental alarms SHOULD have gone off (crazy first date "get into your green beans" stunt). I was reluctant but finally agreed. We talked for a bit. Then kissed. Before you know it he was trying to slobber all over my body. I told him rather forcefully that I wasn't going to have green beans that night. Do you know what he said?

"How about oral green beans?"

Ew. No. And NOT just because you're desperate (desperation ina guy can be such a turn off).

I should have asked if his green beans history was as public as his voting record.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Why I Keep Old Magazines

I knew there was a reason to save all the magazines that ever came into my possession...

Jacob loves his new walker. He just can't touch the ground- even when it's on the lowest setting.

Any Airborne Pig Sightings In Your Neighborhood?

Pigs must be flying somewhere.

Husband: "Maybe we can go to bed early so we can cuddle a bit."
Me: "Really? You actually WANT to cuddle? You're not even begging for sex? That's the sweetest thing ever."
Husband (trying to regain his manhood): "I mean. I want to 'man cuddle'."

I don't care what he has to call it in order to justify it to himself. Cuddling is cuddling. And I love it.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

"If I Were A Secret Shopper" And Other Sauerkraut Woes

Today I decided to whip out my crock pot. The one that has been sitting in its box in the basement corner. The same basement corner where the cats sometimes poo when their litter box is full. It's been collecting dust (and other stuff- ew) for a year. It's one of three crock pots we received for our wedding and the only reason we still have it is because it didn't come with a gift receipt (damn!).

After I unboxed it and gave it a thorough scrubbing- it was ready to be used. I found the crock pot recipe that took the least amount of time and ingredients and headed to the grocery store. I was on a mission for sauerkraut. Do I like sauerkraut? I can't remember. I guess I'll find out.

I search the condiment aisle. And search. And search. No sauerkraut. I don't see any grocery store employees wandering around so I wait in line to ask the checkout man where the sauerkraut is. Seven minutes later, he tells me it's in the produce department. Fine. I go to the produce department. I search. And search. And search (this is starting to sound like a kid's book). No sauerkraut. Suddenly a produce department clerk asks me if I need held. Where is the sauerkraut? Oh, it's in the condiment aisle. RRRG. Fine.

He takes me down the aisle and HE scours it from left to right. NO SAUERKRAUT! He goes off to ask another clerk, comes back, and tells me it is in aisle 2 on the other end of the store. I wheel my cart-pushing-ass down to aisle 2. Not in the dairy section. Not by the deli meat. Not by the eggs. WTF?! Another clerk comes over and asks me if I need help. Suddenly grocery clerks seem to be in abundance and trying to melt my face off with their failure-ness.

"I'm looking for sauerkraut?" I say tentatively, hoping I'm close this time.
"Oh," he says and I start to get the tingling sense that I'm on a hopeless treasure hunt when he furthers with, "it's in the condiment aisle." AHHHH! See, hopeless.
"No, it's not! I was just down that aisle with another employee. THERE IS NO SAUERKRAUT!!"
"Well, let me just take another look."

I want to slap him! No, wait. First I want to sneeze large balls of snot, wipe my nose with my hand and THEN slap him.

He walks me back to the other end of the store. I feel like a kid who's being reluctantly escorted to the school bus by her parents. He walks confidently down the condiment aisle. Stops halfway. Reaches his hand out and hovers it in mid-air as if he is waiting for some signal from the Condiment God. Then his hand finally lands on shiny jar. OMG. There IS sauerkraut. But it wasn't there before. I SWEAR! Hey, look everyone. This man just conjured sauerkraut from thin air!

Finally, I make it home with my jar of sauerkraut. I plop all the necessary ingredients into the crockpot and my husband and I stave off hunger for the three hours that our meal takes to cook. When the meal was ready, I laughed and told my husband the "Sauerkraut Story" as I dished us up.

I took a bite...and...Ew! OMG. It's disgusting. I HATE SAUERKRAUT. Apparently, so does my husband.

Saturday, November 22, 2008


As I was merging onto the highway, I saw flashing police lights on the side of the road behind a firetruck and an ambulance. My first thought was, "woah, the cop pulled over a firetruck AND an ambulance?!"

Then it hit me. Accident. Duh!

Friday, November 21, 2008

The Nights Are Still Hard

Last night was pretty tough. Jacob wouldn't nap during the day so you would think he'd conk out early and easily. NOPE. He usually goes to bed between 7 and 8. Last night I started his night routine at 7:30 (I've read that establishing a routine before bedtime makes it easier to put babies to bed- they get used to the routine and pick up on the cues that signal their sleep time).

Our routine goes like this: pajamas, stories, going around the room saying goodnight to everything we see, then I swaddle him and rock him to sleep. Side note: I just started reading Jacob stories- at first I thought it would be silly since he is so young, but he loves looking at pictures and listening to my voice. His legs and arms wave around happily as we turn the pages. Anyway, we started his routine at 7:30. I put him in his bassinet when he fell asleep at 7:50. The second I walked out the door and sat on the couch, I heard him start to cry. I went back in to rock him. He woke up three more times and three more times I rocked him to sleep. He finally stayed asleep at 9:10!! It took 1.5 hours! I was exhausted.

Then my husband and I do OUR normal routine. Husband puts in a DVD and he watches while I try to stay awake. I'm usually asleep 45 minutes into it, however. I know, lame. Last night he put in Tropic Thunder. I know a lot of people said it was funny, but I thought it was really, really stupid.

After my nap the movie, we joined Jacob and went to bed. I think he must be having a growth spurt or something because he slept his normal 5 hours in a row but thwn he woke up every 2 hours after that. He usually is good for three to four more hours. I remember feeding him at 1. Feeding him at 3. And feeding him at 5. Each time he woke up I tried to get him to sleep without feeding him but he wouldn't stop wailing. I hope this is just a growth spurt and not a new sleep habit.