Sunday, December 21, 2008

There Is A Reason It's Called Family PLANNING

Things change when your household size grows from 2 to 2.5.

I can no longer sleep on my stomache when all of us are sharing our miniature double bed. I have to turn sideways to fit. (Seriously? What kind of married couple still sleeps in a double? Maybe that's how I got pregnant- husband had a wild dream, got excited, rolled over, and OOPS! There was just no where else for his man part to go except for- you guessed it.)

We often have to eat in shifts and it's rare that I get to enjoy a meal without a screaming baby in the background. Dinner time is crabby time.

For someone who is a one-eighth of my size, Jacob generates a TON of extra laundry! Maybe it has to do with the fact that he doesn't know how to NOT (excuse the language) shit himself.

And we have to PLAN sex. PLAN. That is he definition of unsexy right there.

"When Jacob goes to sleep do you wanna do me?"
"Before he wakes up for the first time or the second time?"
"How about the first time so I'm not tired."
"You better NOT be tired you owe me more than five minutes."
"Ok deal."

"Is the baby monitor on?"
"I thought I heard a noise."
"It's the cats wrestling."
"They will wake him up! Quick, put them in the basement!"

3/4 of the way through the deed:
"I think the laundry machine buzzer is going to go off soon."
"I have to stop it before it wakes Jacob up!"

Amost done with deed:
"Can you finish in less than 60 seconds?"
"The mood. It's dead."

Jacob is finally sound asleep again:
"Let's try this again."
"I'm too tired. But you can help yourself if you want..."


LEO said...

You are hilarious! I guess it's good I didn't read this before I got pregnant...
We had a similar (but not as, uh, sexual) moment last night when PJO was driving my car and asked me what was making noise in the back. I replied that it was a giant bag of cat food and some laundry detergent. He laughed and said, I guess that's what our lives have come to now!

LL said...


It gets easier when they sleep longer, though we have learend to have sex immediately after he falls asleep just in case. Waiting for the perfect moment later in the evening is just too big a risk ;)

gudnuff said...

Conditioning occurs based on daily routine. For us, we can count on about 20 minutes of privacy when our 8-yr-old takes her nightly shower. I swear, the sound of water running in the shower is enough to get my husband headed my way. Sometimes I'm glad to hear the shower running, and sometimes I'm like, "Oh geesh, here we go again."

FSD said...

LOL. That's hilarious! I've been wondering how sex fits into the whole taking care of baby thing. So much for romance, huh?!

PT-LawMom said...

Oh yes, I remember those days. My Mommy ears were always attuned to any potential stirring from the other room. Since we co-slept, the ONLY time he spent in his crib was when we moved him there after he was asleep and then it was a race to get it done before he stirred. That said, we learned how to do it well and quickly. ;) It gets easier.

Trannyhead said...

That's some hawt green beans for you, right there. Hawt!