Sunday, November 23, 2008

"If I Were A Secret Shopper" And Other Sauerkraut Woes

Today I decided to whip out my crock pot. The one that has been sitting in its box in the basement corner. The same basement corner where the cats sometimes poo when their litter box is full. It's been collecting dust (and other stuff- ew) for a year. It's one of three crock pots we received for our wedding and the only reason we still have it is because it didn't come with a gift receipt (damn!).

After I unboxed it and gave it a thorough scrubbing- it was ready to be used. I found the crock pot recipe that took the least amount of time and ingredients and headed to the grocery store. I was on a mission for sauerkraut. Do I like sauerkraut? I can't remember. I guess I'll find out.

I search the condiment aisle. And search. And search. No sauerkraut. I don't see any grocery store employees wandering around so I wait in line to ask the checkout man where the sauerkraut is. Seven minutes later, he tells me it's in the produce department. Fine. I go to the produce department. I search. And search. And search (this is starting to sound like a kid's book). No sauerkraut. Suddenly a produce department clerk asks me if I need held. Where is the sauerkraut? Oh, it's in the condiment aisle. RRRG. Fine.

He takes me down the aisle and HE scours it from left to right. NO SAUERKRAUT! He goes off to ask another clerk, comes back, and tells me it is in aisle 2 on the other end of the store. I wheel my cart-pushing-ass down to aisle 2. Not in the dairy section. Not by the deli meat. Not by the eggs. WTF?! Another clerk comes over and asks me if I need help. Suddenly grocery clerks seem to be in abundance and trying to melt my face off with their failure-ness.

"I'm looking for sauerkraut?" I say tentatively, hoping I'm close this time.
"Oh," he says and I start to get the tingling sense that I'm on a hopeless treasure hunt when he furthers with, "it's in the condiment aisle." AHHHH! See, hopeless.
"No, it's not! I was just down that aisle with another employee. THERE IS NO SAUERKRAUT!!"
"Well, let me just take another look."

I want to slap him! No, wait. First I want to sneeze large balls of snot, wipe my nose with my hand and THEN slap him.

He walks me back to the other end of the store. I feel like a kid who's being reluctantly escorted to the school bus by her parents. He walks confidently down the condiment aisle. Stops halfway. Reaches his hand out and hovers it in mid-air as if he is waiting for some signal from the Condiment God. Then his hand finally lands on shiny jar. OMG. There IS sauerkraut. But it wasn't there before. I SWEAR! Hey, look everyone. This man just conjured sauerkraut from thin air!

Finally, I make it home with my jar of sauerkraut. I plop all the necessary ingredients into the crockpot and my husband and I stave off hunger for the three hours that our meal takes to cook. When the meal was ready, I laughed and told my husband the "Sauerkraut Story" as I dished us up.

I took a bite...and...Ew! OMG. It's disgusting. I HATE SAUERKRAUT. Apparently, so does my husband.


LEO said...

HAHA, that's great! As much as I love my crockpot AND trying new crockpot recipes, it's not a miracle worker, and I think it would take a miracle to make sauerkraut taste good.

gudnuff said...

LOL! You stole a day out of my life, how'd you do that?

I love the part where you're being "reluctantly led to the school bus by her parents". I know that feeling...the obedient (yet extremely cynical) shopper.

Great post! So what did you end up eating for dinner?

Butterflyfish said...

This was so so so awesome. What a great post.

CM said...

Easiest crock pot recipe ever = chicken + salsa. You can add some beer if you want. Then you can use it for a week in stews, sandwiches, casseroles, enchiladas, etc.

FSD said...

That's too funny! All of that for a meal you ended up hating. I'm not a sauerkraut fan either, but my mom loves the stuff. She cooked it every New Year's Day....and still does.

I love using my crock pot, although I don't use it often enough. I may have to pull it out this weekend since we won't have any Thanksgiving leftovers (going out to eat).