Tuesday, November 11, 2008

The Demons Of Her Mind

I feel like I have lost my mom.

Recently (after many trips to the hospital where we were left with more questions than answers) my mom has been diagnosed with depression and disassociation disorder. Physically, she's still here. But mentally and emotionally, she is a stranger.

It started out as occassional episodes where she would just stare and smile and be otherwise completely unresponsive. You could talk to her and ask her questions but you would get the same blank smile for 30-90 minutes. Then she would suddenly snap out of it and be her old self again.

As the summer went on these episodes came with greater frequency. Then she would repeat herself during conversations. Finally two weeks ago, she went for a walk in her bathrobe and slippers. The next morning she went for a walk, got tired halfway through it and just laid down on the side of the road. She stopped being her chatty, smiley self. She stopped sleeping at night. She kept forgetting to make my little brother's lunches. She kept forgetting to eat. Then, she started having panic attacks, telling me she was living a torture and acting like she was about to die. Once she even told me to take care of my dad and my siblings as if she were on her death bed.

Last week my dad got her to see a psychiatrist and now she takes a handful of pills a day. But she still isn't my mom. She acts like a three year old. Or a really slow adult. When she came over to visit the other day, she put on a bunch of my clothes (they don't even fit her). When I asked why she did that she simply replied, "they were on the floor."

She is living in a daze. She is unconnected from us and from the world around her. The doctor said this was likely brought on by stress and depression that has gone untreated for too long. But will she ever come back to us? And how can a couple of pills really drive out the demons eating away at her mind?

She used to be so affectionate and motherly- almost to the point of suffocation. Now, I have to make sure she eats, sleeps, comes home from walks. When we talk, she looks off into the distance and answers with just a word or two. When will I laugh with my mom again? When will I see her eyes light up with joy when she holds the grandson that she has waited so long for? When will she come back to us? It hurts so much to see her like this. But it also hurts in a selfish way. I've lost someone that is irreplaceable in my life. I feel abandoned.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

cee, i am delurking because i feel like i have to say something, however ineffective it may be. i am so sorry, and hope things improve.

Butterflyfish said...

Cee, I am so sorry. I hope that they get her on an approriate course of medication. It takes time to find that balance.

Til then, you're in my prayers.

Infant Attorney said...

I'm so sorry to hear about what's going on with your mother. I just hope that time (and medication) will make her better. Try to stay positive.

LL said...

I'm so sorry, that would be so difficult.

I know from slightly different family experiences that the road to the right dose and type of medicine can be a long one, so hopefully she has a good doctor who is getting feedback from you all. The good news is that things can get better and hopefully you will be able to bring back the mom you know and love.

Pickled. said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. I can't imagine how difficult that must be for you.

My best wishes are with you today. Stay positive.

LEO said...

I'm so sorry! There's nothing worse than seeing your protector and provider suddenly seem weak and vulnerable... I hope she is able to recover fully and quickly!

Portia said...

I am so sorry to hear this. I am sure it is so hard to have her taken away from you like that, even though she's still physically around. Hang in there, and I hope LL's right and it will get better with time and the right combination of medications.

Googie Baba said...

Cee, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

je said...

that's really scary. i understanding the feeling abandoned part. how understandable...in some ways you have been, even if it wasn't intentional. i hope the treatment she's getting now helps her get where she needs to be in order to get better. medication can take such a long time to adjust to, and finding the right kind can be really hard... keep your hopes up! your mom is lucky to have a caring family watching out for her best interests. take good care of yourself. i'll keep your family in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

wow, that's hard. another delurker here - you are in my thoughts, and i hope things improve for her and you.

FSD said...

OMG!!! How devastating!! I'm so sorry to hear about your mom, Cee. I will be praying for her and that she will "return" to you guys soon. Continue to be there for her and have faith that she will be okay. Please keep us posted on her progress.

Jean said...

I'm so sorry. I hope the doctors can find the right medicine.