The Demons Of Her Mind

I feel like I have lost my mom.

Recently (after many trips to the hospital where we were left with more questions than answers) my mom has been diagnosed with depression and disassociation disorder. Physically, she's still here. But mentally and emotionally, she is a stranger.

It started out as occassional episodes where she would just stare and smile and be otherwise completely unresponsive. You could talk to her and ask her questions but you would get the same blank smile for 30-90 minutes. Then she would suddenly snap out of it and be her old self again.

As the summer went on these episodes came with greater frequency. Then she would repeat herself during conversations. Finally two weeks ago, she went for a walk in her bathrobe and slippers. The next morning she went for a walk, got tired halfway through it and just laid down on the side of the road. She stopped being her chatty, smiley self. She stopped sleeping at night. She kept forgetting to make my little brother's lunches. She kept forgetting to eat. Then, she started having panic attacks, telling me she was living a torture and acting like she was about to die. Once she even told me to take care of my dad and my siblings as if she were on her death bed.

Last week my dad got her to see a psychiatrist and now she takes a handful of pills a day. But she still isn't my mom. She acts like a three year old. Or a really slow adult. When she came over to visit the other day, she put on a bunch of my clothes (they don't even fit her). When I asked why she did that she simply replied, "they were on the floor."

She is living in a daze. She is unconnected from us and from the world around her. The doctor said this was likely brought on by stress and depression that has gone untreated for too long. But will she ever come back to us? And how can a couple of pills really drive out the demons eating away at her mind?

She used to be so affectionate and motherly- almost to the point of suffocation. Now, I have to make sure she eats, sleeps, comes home from walks. When we talk, she looks off into the distance and answers with just a word or two. When will I laugh with my mom again? When will I see her eyes light up with joy when she holds the grandson that she has waited so long for? When will she come back to us? It hurts so much to see her like this. But it also hurts in a selfish way. I've lost someone that is irreplaceable in my life. I feel abandoned.