Thursday, November 27, 2008

Oh They Places You'll Go...To Have Green Beans

This is my Thanksgiving Green Beans post. If you don't understand the powerful second meaning behind Green Beans (trust me you want to know), then you have not been reading Tranny Head's amazing (read: hawt) blog. To learn more about Green Beans click here and here.

So here goes nothing.

When I met the man who is now my husband, I had just graduated from college and moved back home with my parents for a year of work before starting law school. I met future husband at my work. It turns out, he was also a twenty something graduate living at home. So when he finally collected the courage to ask me out to lunch (a full two months after the moment he decided he liked me) and after we started dating, we had to get creative when it came to finding places to um, display our affection and consume our green beans.

I really liked this guy but I had just ended two relationships in a row that seemed to go sour because of green beans. Our green beans weren't sour or anything- they just got in the way of maintaining a healthy, balanced diet (if you know what I mean- wink). So I had made up my mind that I wouldn't have green beans with future husband for as long as I could stand it. All in all, I made him wait it out a month. I know. I'm a horrible person. I wanted to wait longer but the temptation for green beans was just TOO GREAT.

So where did we consume green beans for the first time? Somewhere romantic? No. On the nasty bachelor-pad couch of future husband's best friend. Did the green beans taste good despite the nasty serving dish? Not exactly. I was scared and nervous so, um, I kinda just laid there. Hot right? Future husband thought it was like sharing green beans with a parapalegic.

After that the green beans were MUCH MUCH better. For both of us.

Because of our dire living situations, we ended up being very creative (read: desperate). We consumed green beans in the following places those first two years of dating:

-My Ford Aerostar Van, named the "Jesus Mobile" because of its numerous interior and exterior Jesus paraphrenalia left over from the previous owner- my mom.
-Work parking lot (in the Jesus Mobile) (x4)
-Red Apple Parking lot (Jesus Mobile)
-Neighbor's wooded driveway (Jesus Mobile)
-A dive bar's Women's Bathroom
-Home that I've house sat (3 different homes)
-In a hotel room next to our boss's hotel room
-At an undeveloped property owned by work (Jesus Mobile)
-Parent's Basement
-Double-wide trailer on the beach
-Future Husband's best friend's couch (x3)

That's what I can recall off the top of my head.

We also almost shared green beans on our Congressman's desk (he has multiple local offices and is rarely in his office that shares the same suite as ours). We walked in his office outside of office hours. I gave husband the *frisky look*. The thought crossed both of our minds. But we thought twice after worrying that the office might be under surveillance- makes sense right?

Speaking of elected officials and green beans, I once went on a date with one (a local elected official- not a green bean) before his term started. I was so excited to be out to dinner with Someone Important, that I didn't fully realize how creepy he was until too late.

He dropped me off at my place after dinner. When I didn't invite him in, he begged if he could stay the night since he lived so far away. This is when the mental alarms SHOULD have gone off (crazy first date "get into your green beans" stunt). I was reluctant but finally agreed. We talked for a bit. Then kissed. Before you know it he was trying to slobber all over my body. I told him rather forcefully that I wasn't going to have green beans that night. Do you know what he said?

"How about oral green beans?"

Ew. No. And NOT just because you're desperate (desperation ina guy can be such a turn off).

I should have asked if his green beans history was as public as his voting record.


gudnuff said...

Trying very hard to make sense of

"-A dive bar's Women's Bathroom Home that I've house sat (3 different homes)"

Say wha?

Googie Baba said...

You had green beans in a car filled with Jesus things? You guys are bad ass.

Butterflyfish said...

don't forget to comment at TH's place.

great post

WaltzInExile said...

Living with the 'rents leads to some serious creativity with the green beans, doesn't it? I have to applaud your fortitude in having green beans all up in Jesus like that, too.