Thursday, November 5, 2009

Sex & Marriage For Dummies: Don't Read Romance Novels

I'm gonna go to a dangerous place here.

First off, I am a horrible person. I read romance novels. They aren't all that subtle either. I've got a problem. I'm addicted to reading about how the strong, sexy guy gets the girl and then pleases her beyond all bounds of reality. To be honest, I actually just like reading about The Chase and imagining the witty dialogue taking place. When the author actually goes into the DEED- I get a little embarrased and start skimming as if the people AROUND me can hear what I'm reading. Weird huh?

But all these romance novels have gone to my head. Now I have a slew of unreal expectations about how MY romance life should be like. For example, husbands will always tell wives how they feel. They will pour out their soul at a deeply feminine and emotional level when the need arises.

They will always make you feel sexy and loved and wanted. Oh and the obvious, husbands will always want to have sex. They will crave your body more than their favorite internet car message boards. More than sleep. Even more than nachos!

And sex will be often and spontaneous and romantic and HE will make the first move (think rain sex, in a woman's dressing room sex, on the kitchen table right in the pecan pie sex). He will always start by kissing you wildly before he explores every inch of your body -because, although he's seen it a million times (even during those times when there was a baby coming out of you), he is just as mesmorized by your every sexy cellular membrane as he is by watching the the final pass of a tied super bowl game (they do have passes in football, right?).

Let's not forget the obvious (and the most disgusting myth from the romance novel genre)- you will be PLEASED each time. Sometime you will be PLEASED multiple times in one serving, if you catch my drift. Romance writers- STOP feeding me unrealistic bullsh*t!!

When I'm separated from my husband during the day, I often rumninate over what will happen when the baby goes to bed. Of course it's steamy and piping hot. Then I focus on that all day. I look forward to things playing out the way I pictured them- steamy and hot and....EXISTENT. Then I come home and life happens. Husband wants to play on the internet or is tired or has work to do. I put on something sexy- trying my darndest to catch his eye. Not even a glance. Are these panties defective? Can I return them?

I lay in bed thinking about my failed day time fantasy. I'm a little let down and have lost all faith in the reality of romance. I think, hey, it's NOT me. It's these dang romance novels. They teach us to have high and unrealistic expectations of the male sex. It's not fair to us and it's not fair to the men.

I am two lessons wiser now:

1. Don't try to be sexy. Guys don't care what you do or don't wear. As long as you have the parts, they will take a drink when they get thirsty (that's pretty much what sex is you know, the meeting of physical needs- just about as romantic as taking a drink or a poop.)

2. Don't have any expectations. None at all.

Girls, that's all you need to know about sex and marriage.


Proto Attorney said...

I stopped buying expensive lingerie many years ago, because my husband's reaction was literally, "That's nice. Take it off." Like, I just dropped a ton of money on this, I'm not taking it off just yet! Also, him laying naked, spread eagle on the bed is not nearly as titillating as he thinks it is. Sigh.

I'm not much for romance, but I definitely dig hot sex. I can't remember the last time I had hot sweaty mind-blowing bodice-ripping sex. I was probably in college. Wow, that's depressing.

LEO said...

Haha, I have to ditto pretty much everything Proto Attorney just said.

On a related note, I think my husband would be thanking his lucky stars if I even thought about sex as much as you do. Also depressing.

jennys said...

i couldn't agree with you more. i have to be careful not to read too many romance novels in a row or it totally screws with my head. gotta space them out.

i love my daughter, but babies defintely do a number on your sex life...i hear guys talking about how they don't get any after marriage and i least in our case, plenty of sex for four years after we got married...but notsomuch since the baby.

Anonymous said...

thanks for reminding me of why i shouldn't get married or have kids.

i have the opposite problem: i can barely keep up with my boyfriend's ginormous lingerie fetish.

on the bright side, we have our sexual peaks to look forward to in 5 or so years.

Anonymous said...

My husband dances around naked and can't understand why I'm not chasing him around frothing at the mouth. I mean even a romance novel couldn't make that awesome, right?

Cee said...

For Anonymous 1: kids and marriage are actually not the cause of the problem because people without kids or husbands have this problem too I suspect (although they might contribute), it's mostly MEN and ROMANCE NOVELS...

For Anonymous 2: ha ha ha, I believe you are right. I'm trying to picture even the sexiest male romance characters trying to pull that off....hmm...

Izzie said...

I love romance novels, well I loved them. I almost completely stopped reading them once I met my husband. Now that we're away from each other I'm back to reading them (my girl porn as my husband calls them)again. They are fun, but totally ridiculous! That's probably why they are so addictive.

FSD said...

Amen to Leo's second paragraph.

I'm not much a romance novel girl. While I enjou love stories, the ones I read aren't nearly as hot as you've described. My real weakness is reality TV, which as we all know is, well, quite UNrealistic. Specifically, I love The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I know the couples are doomed from the start, but I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm still waiting to be swept off my feet. Sigh. Ha!

Rayne of Terror said...

I read my first romance novel last night because I put the Kindle app on my iPhone and many romance novels are free for Kindle. I was rolling my eyes the whole time, but damn if I didn't read the whole book in one evening.

Eliza said...

AHHH!!! I know, romance novels kill reality. Yet I still read them, though not as much.

And I can understand the spread eagle guy, the guy running around the room naked. My husband does not understand why I am not chasing him down after his display.

JD-Maybe said...

I am not even married yet and I already deal with this. What happened to the guy who was hungry for me right when he opened his eyes in the morning and then couldnt wait to do it again in the evening. I think it is so funny that society thinks guys are the ones so obsessed with sex and guys are the ones deprived. Sometimes I tell my bf that he is a fraud because in the beginning he couldn't get enough of me and now he can take me or leave me. I'm lucky if my shirt comes off.

One of my very best guy friends says to hold out and make him want it. He has to think he might not get it then he will crave it bad. It's hard for me to say no when he finally is up to it.

And it goes in spurts sometimes I get a lot and sometimes I don't. I totally forgot that I love romance novels and I just got a new sony book reader so Im all over it!

hang in there, maybe explore the world of toys....I havent done that yet either but it might just come to that.

日月神教-任我行 said...