Pregnancy Knows

To husband: Don't you dare think you can smuggle a candy bar under my nose, eat it across the room and think I won't notice!

To classmates: How awful do you have to be to sneak a pizza slice into class, "hide" it on your lap, and pick away at it, all the while thinking you aren't being a distraction?

To moldy substance in the fridge: I wont take you out and throw you away because I can't get close enough without gagging. So go ahead, continue to mold away in peace and become even smellier. Sigh. Catch-22.

I CAN FREAKIN' SMELL EVERYTHING!

Trust me, sometimes it is NOT pleasant. Until I became pregnant, I didn't realize how many times a day our two cats could fart...or my husband for that matter.

Earn Points With Your Poo

Thanks to my "poo problem", I can no longer tell my husband that he is full of sh*t. Whenever I do this, his comeback is to exclaim the truism that I really AM full of sh*t. Poo. On. HIS. Shoes. This makes me want leave my hair dryer and hair straightener all over the bathroom floor for him to step on AND leave my hair in the bathroom draim (take that!).

Also thanks to the current situation, whenever my husband comes across anything poo related, he automatically thinks of me. I always wanted to be known for something before I turned 25... This is why my husband emailed me this nice little chart- which I think makes complete sense.

They need to make special amendment to this chart for those of us that are poo challenged.

OMG. Why'd He Have To Say Corn?!

I was sitting in my international business transactions class, innocently and unsuspectingly pretending to take notes on our discussion of the effects of NAFTA while really continuing an internal discussion with myself regarding the sexual orientation of the funny man in front of me with shiny nail polish (and do I see lip gloss?!?).

That's when a guy in the back pulled the trigger that sent me into crazy pregnant lady mode. The guy in the back (whom I USED to like) started talking about the export price of corn. OMG. WHY'D HE HAVE TO SAY CORN!?! My mouth started to water like crazy and visions of juicy corn cobs danced in my head. HMM CORN.

When someone followed up with a comment about Mexican corn growers, I started to fantasize about plump, sombrero wearing (stereotypical I know), sun-tanned men and women pulling juicy corn out of the ground.

I never needed a cold shower more in my entire life.

American Idol. In The Bedroom.

I'm not addicted to TV. I never even watch it unless someone else turns it on, but when it's American Idol season, I'm hooked. I like to watch people perform. And sing. And dance. Andmake fools of themselves. Plus American Idol kind of represents the American dream, anyone can make it, this is the land of opportunities. This is reassuring to me even though I know it's not exactly true, especially in the legal field.

The best part of American Idol is cuddling with my husband on the couch. Second best is laughing at Simon's mean and crazy comments.

Last night Americal Idol permeated our bedroom. After a much overdue bedroom "romp" with my husband (I know, TMI) we started mocking Simon and critisizing each other's "performances."

"It just didn't feel like YOU. You were out of character."

"You were a little pitchy"

"It was just plain boring and awkward."

"I kept waiting to be blown away, but it never happened."

"Best performance of the night!"

Next time I'll have to do the infamous Paula Abdul clap or start off my critique with Randy's favorite, "Ok dawg, check this out. Check this out."

I'm NOT Going To Get Up Today

Today I hit my alarm and kept sleeping, so I totally missed the ferry which would get me to my first class on time. I woke up two hours later, determined to make it to my next class. Then I got tired again. I have been hit with an unshakeable wave of tiredness all day.

I missed all my classes. I can't for the life of me get motivated to do anything related to school. I feel like I've been sucked into an energyless, motivationless, lifeless black hole. I hung out in bed or on the couch all day. Counting last night, I got a total of 16 hours of sleep today. I still feel sluggish and my body feels like I just completed a work out at the gym (or hit by a semi). I thought things were supposed to look up in your second trimester?

Craving Kisses

Images and the wafting, yet sometimes imaginary, scent of food are powerful things to a pregnant woman.

I think I smell mustard pretzels and BOOM: I NEED mustard pretzels or else my tongue will shrivel and fall out of my mouth and my stomach will combust from a lack of the powdery, sour pretzel bliss.

I see online pictures of frosted pretty cakes set neatly on high pedestals and BOOM: I NEED to press my face into all those moist, soft cakes (always chocolate, of course), tear velvety crumbs off with my teeth and inhale the creamy whipped frosting.

The memory of my trip to New York rises to the forefront of my mind and BOOM: I NEEDNEEDNEED to sink my teeth into a warm ear of corn on the cob, smothered in mayo, parmesian and lime juice.

When I walk down Madison Ave, I can almost taste the smell of a juicy grilled burger with melted cheese, juicy tomatoes, sassy pickles lathered in sweet ketchup. Suddenly my mouth aches with desire for that little burger probably hiding just around the corner, taunting and laughing at me.

These are all common experiences for pregnant women, right? Just like A New Duck's craving for cement. Well how about a craving for kisses? When I watch two people kiss on tv, or when I see a photo of a lip-locked couple, I suddenly NEED to kiss my husband, like right now! Hopefully I will be able to suppress this need until I get home for work. I don't know what my boss would say if he walked into my office on me trying to kiss my own arms or something.

Search Phrases, Just For Fun

I really enjoy when other bloggers post a list of google search phrases that lead readers to their site. It's incredible the crazy things that people go to google for. Google has replaced the need for older brothers and sisters, at least when it comes to looking for answers to that burning, sometimes inappropriate question. I was the oldest in my family so I had to keep my questions to myself. If I only had google back then.

I decided that I finally have enough weird search phrases to make my own list. This is what some of my readers MEANT to find:

"eat my boobs" - what does this even mean
"c boobs in b bra" - um, buy a new bra? Unless you like boobage muffin tops.
"melted barbies" - someone is a pyro femme nazi?
"I have to pee" - do you REALLY need google for this one?
"my husband's white briefs" - phew, at least he doesn't wear a thong.
"baby overdosed today" - you need a visit by Mr. Poison the sticker man and a call from CPS.
"blueberry lentil icecream"- EW
"grazing boobs" - must be a new variety of boob that chews its own cud and eats grass.
By far the most popular google search is "don't even look at me wrong." I wonder if this is a song lyric?

Other readers want to know:

"how quick can you get a bed sore" - shall we conduct a science experiment?
"how many calories in 12 slices of cucumber" - I have some health conscious readers.
"what does it mean when he takes off his wedding ring?" - it means he's cheating on you with a bustier more boobalicious woman, leave him or get plastic surgery.
"what to do if you eat rotten spiders" - why would you eat any spider?
"Do I have plum boobs?" - good question.
"How do you look at someone's boobs while they are sleep?" CREEPY.