Oh WebMD- Could It Be Chocolate Deficiency Syndrome?

As a (or at least 2/3 of a) lawyer, I have dealt with many cases involving medical issues from an injury standpoint to a damages standpoint. When trying to fit medical issues into the legal framework that is ideal for your client, I highly suggest you consult some bona-fide professional, such as my bestest friend, WebMD. WebMD kicks major butt (ok, ok, I guess it's not AS persuasive as some IME report from a real doctor- but sometimes it just might be more objective).

But WedMD was no help to me this week. Since last Saturday I have suffered from a list of random ailments that are unlike any virus I have ever had before. I'm starting to worry.

On Saturday I had major chills. I swore I had a fever. I was hot and cold at the same time and sweating more than a lawstudent victim of the Socratic Method. But no fever ever registered. All Sunday I had the same symptom and stilll no fever. Monday I woke up THE SAME. I even went to the school nurse who checked my vital stats and told me it was nothing and that I should just focus on school instead of trying to fake the swine flue (THE NERVE! If I had wanted to fake it, I would have been so good, she wouldn't KNOW- duh). On my way out she handed me an informational ipod download on STDs. THANKS. I hope it falls out of my backpack in class and all my classmates see it! NOT!

Monday night I finally had a fever- and it was a fever of 102. In addition, the tops of my eyeballs started to ache constantly and it kinda hurt to turn my head to the side (you can guess how many times I checked my blind spot while I was puttering around town). The fever continued through Tuesday. By Wednesday, the fever was gone but not the achey eyeballs and, on top of all that, I had a mother of a sore throat. Seriously, who excavated my throat with a fire poker when I wasn't looking?

Today, the sore throat is gone but I still have achey eyeballs (What the heck? Who gets achey eyeballs- it's like my eyes got drunk and now have a major hangover). What is really causing me concern, however, is this dibilitating headache that I have had constantly for 15 hours- despite ingesting doses of Tylenol and Aleve that would probably overdose an elephant. No, I take it back. Not headache. MIGRANE. It hurts when my feet touch the ground as I walk. It hurts when I move my head. It pounds when I stand up. Heck, it aches when the wind blows on it.

What is going on? This is not a normal flu! This is some psychotic, schizophrenic flu that can't stay with any one symptom for too long. And throughout this ordeal, WedMD has been completely unhelpful. The web doctor seems at a loss for diagnosis- hwever, my symptoms are teetering a little too close to such things as swine flu, brain tumor, respiratory infection, and, my favorite, chemical poisoning.

Of those, I think I can guess what I most likely have. Take a look at this picture of me taken last Saturday and then make your own guess:


Man, I KNEW that was a bad idea.