How I tell if my husband is simply buzzed or drunker than a hillbilly in a rooster fight...
1) Spill my drink. If he immediately swears and runs for the paper towels muttering something about the floors getting sticky, then he's still got his head on straight. BUT if he tries to do a riverdance around the melting ice cubes, he's hammered out of his mind. Oh boy, I'm in for it in the morning when his feet stick to the floor.
2) Tell him I speak elven. If he looks as if he just discovered his wife of two years has a third nipple and asks in amazement where I learned to speak it so well, there's sufficent evidence that he is lit. If he tries to converse back with me, then I know he's a goner.
3) Two words: "attemped foreplay." To the male audience out there, this is worse than no foreplay and should be a crime- seriously, you could do serious damage to my eardrum sticking that tongue so far down my ear canal). Sidenote: why is it that drunk men (who, in their drunken state, would even be hopeless with a GPS tailored to the woman's body-- "approaching intersection, turn right... a little more to the right") have no problem with foreplay while it wouldn't cross a sober man's mind even if a mime acted it out in front of him.