Saturday, May 30, 2009

SOMEONE'S Sleeping On The Couch Tonight.

I'm pretty upset and I don't care if I am in the wrong. I want the world to know because, dang it, the person I'm upset at either doesn't know or doesn't care.

I admit I was pretty moody today (for more info read the previous post). Today was my birthday and we did nothing to celebrate. Earlier this month I didn't get to celebrate my first Mother's Day because I was studying (seriously, my husband could have at least given me a card right?). Then Thursday was our elopment-versary but we both worked so we didn't celebrate. I was kind of hoping for at least SOMETHING on my birthday to make up for these past transgressions.

My husband wished me a "happy birthday" in the morning and that was it. Wah? No card? No gift? Not even an offer to take me out for ice cream? I was mad as hell and when I get mad, I just get moody. Yes, I'm passive agressive like that. I laid around on the couch and in my bed moping. I wore a constant pouty face and ignored my husband completely- yes, I was a total bitch. I thought maybe I could at least get his sympathy but he just commented about me being in a bad mood and didn't care at all to try to console me (I hate when he allows me to wallow in self pity uninterrupted!!).

This evening we went to my cousin's wedding and on the drive home he finally asked me why I was so moody (good god, it took him all day to think to ask me?)
"I wanted to celebrate my birthday" I said.
"We went to a wedding," he offered.
[Hateful silence.]
"We went to the zoo last week. Pretend that was for your birthday," he continued.
[More hateful silence.]
"I think it's stupid when people get pissy about their birthday," he finally said. Then he acted all put out and made me feel irrational and acted like he was the victim.

That did it. He added insult to injury. By this point I was so angry. Hello. Dipshit. It's your wife's BIRTHDAY. Try to make her feel a little bit special why don't you? This was the day she was brought into the world. Is it just me or is his behavior completely inappropriate? Am I being too dramatic about this? What's wrong with wanting your husband to be thoughtful about your birthday?

When we got home he went to bed and I went straight to my computer. I'm so angry at him still and I hate that he just ignores how I feel. Since he's already in bed, I guess I'M the one who has to sleep on the couch. I seriously feel the urge to leave. I can't stand being in the same house as him right now.


Shelley said...

I totally get it. (And I am the one who ends up on the couch because I am so pissed!). Fwiw, I say go out tomorrow and do whatever it is you want to do - by yourself if necessary - and feel no guilt!

Happy birthday (from someone whose birthdays usually suck - not even a card from my mother this year). Do what you need to do to honor it yourself!

Anonymous said...

First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I don't think you're being too dramatic at all. You have every right to be upset; it's not like you wanted to celebrate the first day you saw each other wearing a certain color shirt (or some other ridiculous "anniversary" people create) - it's your birthday!
Plus, you already had been let down about Mother's Day and your anniversary.
I mean, it doesn't sound like you expect some ridiculous display or anything - simple acknowledgment and taking the time to make you feel special! Isn't that what husbands do? Theoretically? (I'm not married...)
Anyway, that just sucks. I'm so sorry. Like Shelley said, perhaps you'll just have to go and do something special for yourself. After all, it's supposed to be a celebration of your life so I say do something that makes you feel special!

Butterflyfish said...

Happy birthday, hun.

I've soooo been there.

Allison said...

The same thing happened to me when I was just dating my now-husband and we got to Valentine's Day and it was about 6 months into our relationship. I was so excited because it was the first time I'd ever had a boyfriend at Valentine's Day (it was really my first time having a serious boyfriend). I couldn't wait to finally be one of the people that got a gift, or got to go out to dinner, or just feel special. Except none of that happened. He told me he though Valentine's Day was a stupid holiday and just all about materialism and doesn't he show me he loves me every day. All of this is true, but for the girl who this meant a lot to at the time, it was a huge disappointment and I cried all day. We worked it later out because I explained to him how I was feeling and why, and explained to him what my expectations were. I think that's one reason that guys like ours don't do anything -- for some reason they have no idea what they're supposed to do. Maybe today or tomorrow you can try to have a calm discussion with him about how you have been feeling about all these holidays, and then tell him specific things that he can do next time to just make you feel special, he might be able to accomplish that. Sometimes they just need a little direction, and maybe he was feeling really defensive tonight.

But I know how you feel and it is crappy!

Izzie said...

Happy belated Birthday! I can understand wanting those kinds of gestures and not getting them :(

Someone Being Me said...

Some men are just clueless. My husband has to be told where to take me for my birthday and I always pick out my own gift.

CM said...

Happy belated birthday!!!

I'm surprised to hear all the comments saying, "Me too," because I thought I was the only one! My 24th birthday was the worst. No card, no present, no cake, nothing! He took me out to dinner (after coming home from work late), but only at my request and I had to tell him where to go and he didn't make reservations or anything. Which is still better than a lame-ass "happy birthday" followed by "you're stupid for thinking your birthday is special!"

It sucks to have this conversation, but eventually the only thing that helped is that I did sit my husband down and say, "Even if it's not a big deal to you, my birthday is important to me and I need you to make some effort on my birthday. I want a card and a present, and you have to think about it in advance, and you have to be extra-nice to me all day." Even then, it took him several years to get the hang of it.

Anyway, I hope you followed the excellent advice of doing whatever YOU felt like doing all day today. (And I hope the couch was comfortable!)

lawmom said...

happy b'day!! I sooo hear ya. I have been planning my own b'days and mother's days since our second year together.....

gudnuff said...

This is where cute little boys, so sweet and totally adored on THEIR birthday (...or not...) grow up to be men who don't understand that a wife was once a sweet little girl, totally adored on HER birthday. I wonder if boys are taught much about caring for and respecting the needs of others...or at least told by a parental figure, when they are older, to at least play this part for their wife some day. Seriously...what went on with these people that they basically shut down and have to be TAUGHT, like you would teach a young child, how to respect the needs of others on special days like birthdays?! What is up with that? I honestly think they are not taught to think about it, and then get defensive when the wife expresses her disappointment or resentment. And the wife is not aware that he would not even have been taught to take on that role at least one day a year.

legally certifiable said...

Happy Belated Birthday!

I hate it when I am mad at DH and he is being a dense dummy! Once several years ago we were sitting in bed and I was fuming at something he had done. He wasn't getting it and he wasn't vacating to the couch. (I cannot sleep with him when I am mad--but he has no problem sleeping with me under any circumstances.) I waited until he was absorbed in his book and dumped a glass of ice water on his head. Boy was he pissed--but it got him out of bed and onto the couch and I felt a whole lot better. ;)

je said...

oooh... that's infuriating! I'm sorry your birthday sucked. We've all been there, it sounds like. I am actually ashamed to admit that on T's 23rd birthday, we went through a whole hour long phone conversation (at the time we were long-distance), his mood getting progressively worse. We finally hung up, me not knowing what the hell was wrong with him and why he had such a bad attitude. Five minutes later, it dawned on me that I had COMPLETELY FORGOT it was his birthday and had to call and apologize profusely, which of course didn't help much at all. Wow. Even now, thinking about it, I'm horrified. Then, the next year, on my 26th, he and a friend moaned and groaned about going to a karaoke bar with me, where they sat sulking as I danced semi-enthusiastically (it's hard to be enthusiastic when people aren't you aren't having fun, as you know), until one of my flailing arms broke a glass and we went home. I was pissed. At them and their bad attitudes.

You're right. B-days really end up with too much pressure on them. But it makes no sense at all for your hubby to get annoyed with YOU just cause he feels bad you're let down. He needs to apologize and pronto! Then he needs to make it up to you with an extra special helping of green beans. Or something equally delicious!

Anonymous said...

First, happy birthday :)

Second, you are totally entitled to want the world for you birthday. Everyone around me knows when it's my birthday, particularly my husband, because I will let no one rest until my life is recognized! Your birthday is your only day that's just for you (well, unless you are a twin..) so you have the right to celebrate!!

NGS said...

Awww...happy birthday!

My mom didn't call me on my birthday two years ago. I cried hysterically on my husband's shoulder as he tried to figure out what to do.

Birthdays that no one remembers sucks.

paragon2pieces said...

happy belated birthday! how did your personal celebration go? hopefully, next year will be different.

LEO said...

This is late, but happy birthday! It's sounding like a broken record now, but I totally know what you mean... Honestly, I think some men just don't have the ability to be spontaneous/thoughtful/creative when it comes to recognizing special events and making their wives feel special. Usually they compensate in other ways, which although great, are less romantic. I totally agree with everyone that says you should treat yourself and not feel guilty. Do it. And tell him what you wanted him to do, but don't expect him to actually make it up to you, because then he'll probably let you down. This is the kind of the thing that sucks about growing up, but just try to remember the things that are great about it... sweet babies and being able to go get shitfaced and wallow in our self-pity!
My husband didn't get me anything for graduating law school, no card, flowers...nothing. It was a bummer, but at the end of the day, I would rather have him treat me well every day and really love me and Timmy than to buy me a hallmark card for one day of the year.

Googie Baba said...

This is late too. I hope you are having a better day. Can you buy yourself something incredibly expensive and thoroughly useless? I think you would feel better, and you totally deserve it.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday. I hope he realized what a turd he was being and made it up to you. If not, I hope you did something fun for yourself!