Saturday, September 13, 2008

A New Mother's Perspective

There's nothing like a fresh life to remind you of the temporal quality of everything.

In the barely two weeks since Jacob's birth, I've already watched him transform. He seems to change a little every day and it reminds me that he will not be a baby forever. Isn't it too early for me to have to worry about this?

I'm so amazingly happy in this twenty-something, newly married, baby making phase of my life and that also makes me terribly sad. I can't escape from the stinging realization that this won't last forever. This phase of my life will end and I will move on to the next. I'll watch my kids grow, become their own persons, and then move on. The next phase might be equally great, but it won't be the same.

This became even more apparent when my mom left after her one week stay at our house. The night before she left she craddle Jacob in her arms and started to cry. She said that taking care of him had brought back so many happy memories of when we were babies. She had bonded with him the past week and had to remind herself that Jacob was not hers. It nearly killed me to see her cry like that. As she walked out the door and said goodbye to Jacob, all I could think about was how hard it must have been for her to leave Jacob and to have nothing but memories to hold onto. I realized then that gradually I will also have to say goodbye to Jacob the baby. And eventually, when he grew up, I'd have to let him go.

I can't imagine how sad it will be to not hear Jacob's sweet sleeping baby sounds and grunts. To not feel him curl up when I hold him against my chest. Jacob is like a little ticking clock reminding me that no day is the same and that you can't stop time from passing.

I'm trying to use this unavoidable perspective on time and life to make the most of each second that I have. If all we have are a finite number of seconds left on this planet, I want to make sure that I'm appreciating each one and taking everything in.

Either I've achieved a new awareness on life or... it's a mixture of the hormones and the drugs.

7 comments:

Butterflyfish said...

So well put I am tearing up over here.

CM said...

I have found myself so happy in each new phase that while occasionally I might feel nostalgic, I'm never sad it's over. It keeps getting easier and better as they grow. (Up to a point, maybe -- but my kid isn't going off to college any time soon.)

LEO said...

This is also what some people said about our high school and then college years ... to enjoy them as much as possible because we would never be able to go back.
What makes life great are the surprises and how it keeps getting better. As we get older, it makes sense we'll miss more and more of the past, but there's a lot to look forward to that we can't even imagine yet too!
You're right though - you never know what you're going to look back on as "the best time of your life" so soak up every beautiful moment you can!

ICERaidReporter said...

have you read the book I Love You Forever? that's what your blog entry reminded me of. if you haven't read it, go get it. you'll want to have it around :)

Infant Attorney said...

I have such a hard time just living in the moment and enjoying each day. I feel like I'm always looking toward the future and what's coming next. It's nice to have a child to remind you that each day is special and important. You have such a beautiful baby to remind you each day to enjoy life and take full advantage of every day. I'm envious.

FSD said...

Cee,

Thanks for your comment on my blog. I'll take your words to heart and try not to obsess about the weight gain. I've noticed that my appetite is getting heartier over the last few days and my sweet tooth is re-emerging. Ut oh!!! :- )

Ironically, I just discovered your blog this morning. I read your birth story....what an ordeal. But you got a beautiful baby boy at the end of it all, so it certainly wasn't in vain. Congrats on your beautiful son. He's a cutie!! And I love his name! Jacob is on our short list for boy names. I look forward to reading your blog in the days, weeks and months to come. I'm glad to have another "cyber-buddy"!!

FSD

LL said...

awww

The quick changes and milestones serve as an ever present reminder to soak up each day with my son. Even the days he's screaming and kicking the ground and mad about who knows what, remembering how I'll probably long for this in a few years when he has Real problems keeps me from getting frustrated. I let him do his toddler thing, sing songs or read a book out loud, and he always comes over and cuddles. I've loved each stage for it's own reasons- as my mom says, they're all the best in their own ways as long as you enjoy them for what they are and don't spend too much time looking forward or looking back.