Thursday, October 23, 2008

Dear New Roof,

Because of you there are about 7 burly, bearded, carhart-wearing men outside right now circling my house. Although they are making more noise than a traveling circus, their presence still catches me off guard. Like when I'm feeding my baby and one of their heads suddenly appears in the window (showing some boob can only help at this point right? Discount anyone?). Or when I'm folding my underwear and I look out the window to find three men on a dump truck staring shamelessly through the blinds.

I would also like to blame you for the crankiness of my baby. My baby snaps out of his slumber if you whisper in another room, so the incessant pounding and swearing coming from outside really doesn't help much. Sometimes I wonder if the roofers really ARE installing you or if they are just ripping apart our house. Each time I look out the window, huge chunks of wood fall from the sky. It gives me splinters just thinking about it.

At least I'm having a splendid time getting to know those roofers. What better way to get to know someone by swapping some hind-skin on a porcelain toilet. Is it common practice for roofers to use your bathroom? I'm a generous person and I don't mind sharing. But I'd prefer if they would not share the contents of their bowels with me by flushing the dang toilet next time. And I had a nice chat with one of them in my drive way as he was pulling our white picket fence out of the ground. And by nice chat, I mean he asked if I ever lived in Eagle's Nest Apartments because he once hooked up with a girl that looked just like me. I said "no" and we shared one uber long minute of awkward silence.

Finally New Roof, I want you to know that I had to make a lot of sacrifices to bring you into existence. In fact, I didn't even WANT you but my husband talked me into it (something about our old roof caving in with the next rainfall). In order for YOU to be HERE, I had to sacrifice a brand new car AND a really nice vacation to a location in proximity to the equator. Don't think I didn't deserve them either!

So New Roof, if you knew what was good for you, you would keep our heads dry for a damn long time! It wouldn't hurt if you grew a retractable sun roof in the living room either.


Your New Owner


Infant Attorney said...

I would refuse to let workers use my toilet, you're a lot nice than me. Once the UPS man dropping off a package asked to use my toilet, I held my ground and said no.

FSD said...

LOL. (except for the part about the workers using your toilet and the "you remind of a girl I once knew" discussion with one of them....ew!)

LEO said...

ugh, making adult sacrifices is no fun! But peace of mind is nice, especially with a baby.

Trannyhead said...


I am always grossed out when some huge, hairy-assed man wants to take a dump in my bathroom. Because I picture their hairy asses. And I'm grossed out.

I'm sure you wanted that mental image.