Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The LAW Put That Hummingbird On Your Sex Toy

Last week I went to a girls-only Sex Party.

Ok maybe "sex party" is not the right word. Contrary to what I let my husband think, there was no nakedness, no inappropriate touching or sexual physical contact. Actually the politically correct term for the event was "Romance Enhancement" Party. It was supposed to be like the Pampered Chef of sex toys. I was skeptical and a little nervous about going- even wondered why I WAS going. But my cousin-in-law is pretty persuasive and she was the host. Or maybe it's these dang awesome pregnancy hormones...

The Romance Consultant at the party was pretty funny. She had all kinds of fun terms and analogies to apply to what might otherwise have been some awkward conversations. She told us that while men were a little like microwaves in that they turn on with the press of a button, women are more like slow-warming crock pots. Of course this isn't news to any woman that I know, but it was a fun way of putting it.

So some of the items that our Consultant let us look at were intriguing- scents that bring out your natural pheromones, edible lotions, etc., other things made me down-right blush. I'm not that familiar with sex toys. My roomates last year found out that I didn't own a single one and guess what I got for my birthday? A pink sparkly vibrating *ahem* toy. It just about scarred me for life opening it in front of them.

The toys at this party were borderline ridiculous. Some had crazy spinning beads embedded in them, some moved rapidly from side to side and could seriously be used as an egg beater. Others had "pleaure enhancing" attachments shaped like hummingbirds, rabbits, bulls, and flowers! This next part is for the lawyers out there: I found out these items had weird animal shapes (instead of a more practical, boring shape) for purposes of customs classification. Yep, that's right. The LAW put that hummingbird on your sex toy. It can be transported through customs more easily as a "novelty item" than as a regular sex toy. But it can't be classified as a novelty item without something unusual- like a hummingbird. Bet you didn't know that!

I survived the party and even walked away with a leftover penis cupcake for my husband- ok, he didn't get that excited about it. It was fun to hang out with a bunch of girls and just enjoy some good female company. Of course, being seven months pregnant, I was the spectacle of the night. I'm getting tired of being oogled, stared at and asked a million questions because of my pregnancy. But I felt safe and cozy in my cousin-in-law's house with a bunch of fun girls, even when they all wanted to feel up my belly- ok, so there WAS inappropriate touching- I lied.

I think I even convinced the Romance Consultant that next time she tries to sell "Coochy Cream" (real name of product, I swear) to a pregnant woman, she should throw in a free hand mirror.

4 comments:

the dragonfly said...

The hummingbird thing is funny!

Don Mills Diva said...

I HAD one of these at my house a few years ago. It was, um, awkward. I bought one thing to be polite but we've never used it...

Tranny Head said...

I love those Passion parties! However, you have to have lots of alcohol to make them fun . . . and obviously you can't do that in your present condition. Also, I like the crap you spray on your sheets.

PT-LawMom said...

Thanks for sharing the Hummingbird fact. Great conversation starter. ;) I've never been to one of those parties, but they sound like fun. I usually go online for that sort of stuff (cheaper), although I did drag my sister-in-law to a local store for some pre-wedding purchases. One down(up?)side of divorce is that I'll have to reacquaint myself with what's out there. Maybe I need to find a party in my area? LOL!