I can't believe Christmas Day is over! I spent two months waiting for it to come and then it just blew by! I barely had time to soak it all in before it was gone. I grew up Catholic and even thought I stopped going to church and practicing Catholicism, parts of my old faith tingle inside me once in a while, perhaps in the same way that a body misses and still feels a lost limb. I rarely get religious on this blog so just bear with me if you will.
When it comes to religion, it's not that I'm hell bent on not believing. It's not that I believe I am "above" religion or that I am too educated to have faith. In fact, I WISH I believed. It seems that religion is a big source of comfort for many people. Where I am afraid of dying, others are comforted to believe they will be in a better place. I love the Catholic traditions I grew up with and I know very many devout Catholics who are some of the most inteligent people I know. But I question everything. I doubt everything. My lawyer mind wants evidence and proof. The logical side of my brain rejects everything supernatural or Divine. I will never believe in ghosts or big foot. I won't ever believe in alien abductions. Heck, I don't even believe in the dog whisperer!
I want to belong to a faith. I have friends that are part of wonderful and close knit communities. I feel like a lost wondering soul that just doesn't belong. And I can't help but think most religious people are super cheesy. I respect them and I am in awe in their ability to have such deep faith. And I want to be have what they have, but it's impossible. My logical side just scoffs at it all. It's like there are two people in my mind- one religious and one atheist. Somehow, the atheist always wins.
So during Christmas, I open my mind and my eyes and I take everything in. I enjoy the traditions that I remember as a child- such as lighting the advent wreath, putting out the nativity set, attending Christmas Eve Mass and celebrating Jesus' birthday. I try to get into the mindset of what Christmas is about- one man sacrificing his life for the rest of the world. I also try to stay away from the consumerism, because it can pull you in so easily and it sickens me that buying things and accumulating objects is all to often the focus of American holidays. I focus on giving back to others and spending time with the people I love. And I hope someday, someway, somehow, I will be able to Believe with the same conviction as the childhood me.
As much as I hate focusing on presents and gifts, Jacob did make out like a bandit this year. It's so much fun watching the holidays through his eyes. Everything is new to him still. He reminds me to turn on the Christmas tree lights, and help him put on his Christmas socks each day. Being with my family was the best part of this Christmas season.