Some moments I love being a temporary stay at home mom. I love spending the entire day with my Jacob making each mundane activity into a wild, baby adventure. Going to the store is fun when I let him get out and push my cart, watch him point and name all the fruit and experience the wonders of new sights and sounds through his eyes. We spent all day lounging, reading books, watching Elmo on my laptop, eating cookies and chasing each other around the house. Everything in the world seems perfect and I feel like I am right where I belong.
Then I have moments like I am having right now where I would pay a million dollars to get out of the house and just get away from him. Moments when he is so tired and whinny but won't take a nap, he runs around the house screaming or crying over silly things like his sock came off or I won't let him play with a knife. And the house is a mess and I can't even get dressed without him clinging to me and all I want is to eat a stinking piece of toast IN PEACE! I put him in his crib because he is CLEARLY EXHAUSTED but he screams at the top of his lungs for 65 minutes. My patience is gone and I'm using all my excess energy (which isn't much) to will myself from smacking him in the noggin with the largest stuffed animal I can find.
I hate the person I become when Jacob has a bad day. I become a raving, savage and violent lunatic. My emotions get the best of me and I lose control of myself. I hate being this way. Jacob doesn't MEAN to make me angry but I always take it so personally- like he had this whole day planned as a personal vendetta against me. Jacob needs a mom who is always loving and kind and understanding. When he's upset he needs someone to hold him and comfort him. Instead, I force him to scream himself to sleep while I mutter swear words under my breath and lose my temper. After going into his room for the fifth time to make him lay back down, I lost control. I smacked his butt and forced his head down with my hand. Then I took off his Elmo slippers and threw them across the room.
OMG, WHO AM I?
After screaming for 65 minutes, he finally fell asleep and I'm sitting on the couch feeling nothing but guilty. I might have won considering he is finally getting his nap but an hour of hell for what I know will only be a 30 minute nap is just not worth it. Is there a scarlet letter branded on my forehead- because there should be. I feel like a horrible mom. Maybe I just wasn't cut out for this stay at hom mom stuff. Thank goodness I have the bar exam coming up to keep me occupied. I need to start work and I need to do it soon.