Saturday, February 20, 2010

My Mind Is Running In Circles But At Least I Have Control Over My Legs

I'm refusing to do anymore barbri practice questions, they make my brain hurt and make me wish my mom just would have let me to go film school at Montana State Univeristy. I've decided at this point in time, all I will do is go over my 47 pages of notes and make sure I can recite the rule for each issue. I'm so TERRIFIED. I really just want to do this right the first time.

Why is the bar exam so scary? I mean I've been preparing for the past 2 months. I've listened to the lectures, I've done at least half of all the practice questions. I felt confident about each subject after I learned it. Why does this terrify me so much? I know it's just one necessary step along the way, like lawschool, like the LSATs, like undergrad. But it's the LAST stop and it's so intense.

I was never this scared about the LSAT. I was never this scared for the SATs. I was never this scared about a law school exam- not even my oral argument in front of a REAL King County Superior Court Judge. I was never this afraid about getting turned down by all the law schools I applied to. It's all in my head and I need to break this fear down before I walk into the room on exam day.

The only thing that keeps me going is knowing how AWESOME I will feel on Thursday at 10:15am (or maybe more like 3:00pm- after I get a good nap in). Until then I will probably continue to feel like I'm walking slowly toward a slaughter house. I can't wait until I don't have this darn thing to complain about anymore.

I been too mentally overstimulated the past couple nights and haven't been able to get to sleep right away. So I've been laying in bed reciting all the rules of commercial paper law to myself instead of counting sheep. It works surprisingly well as a brain tranquilizer. And the good thing is that I should be strong on that subject on test day(s)!

I went for my second run since deciding to train for the half marathon. The sun was on my face and I just ran. Not on a treadmil, confined in a room. I ran outdoors. Wild and Free and with no Destination. It felt incredible. The sweat, the sun, the rythmic pounding of my shoes on the pavement, the grass under my feet, my arms swinging freely at my side. It lifted my spirits and made me feel like I was in control again- in control of where I was headed. Why did I ever stop running? Did I forget how amazing it feels or was I crazy?

Hopefully the 3 pounds of peanut butter M&Ms I gained this last month will vanish quickly.


Anonymous said...

I hope to try this outdoors running thing I've heard so much about soon.

Good luck in the coming days. You're close.

FSD said...

Good luck, Cee! I felt the same way going into my 3-day bar exam. It's such a miserable feeling, but it feels amazing when it's over. If you're anything like me, you'll agonize over a few questions for about a week after the exam, but it's OVER! You'll also feel lost for a few days because you'll have so much time on your hands. (But I didn't have a baby post-bar exam, so I'm sure you'll easily fill the time loving on Jacob). You'll do fine. One day at a time.

Allison said...

You're in the home stretch!!! I agonized literally for a month or so over one or two essays (I even had nightmares on my post-bar trip over it), but it all worked out. So, just because you feel bad going in or coming out, it totally doesn't matter.

Anonymous said...

Good luck! Just be confident that all of your studying time will pay off.