Sunday, March 23, 2008

Broken Weekend, Wasted Heart

This evening I feel incredibly hurt. Something my husband did yesterday really hurt me. I decided I wasn't going to sit around and let him ignore me so I took off without a word- not like he noticed though, as I said, he was ignoring me. I left an angry "F*** You" note on the counter, packed an overnight bag and headed to my parents.

The much wanted and needed missed call or text from my husband never came. I began to feel like he didn't even care that he hurt me, or worse, that he didn't even know how much he hurt me.

I came back home the next morning to get dressed for Easter mass and my grandma's Easter party. My husband continued to ignore me. He stayed in bed all morning reading a book. I guess that was his signal to me that I was going alone. I suffered through the mass and the party, trying to avert questions about where my husband was. Still no call or even a text message.

I didn't come home until 8 oclock tonight. I walked in the door, past my husband, and straight to our dark cold bedroom where I cried for an hour. All I wanted was a sorry or an acknowledgement, he didn't even try to come in. This made the tears more forceful and my cries louder. With each minute of tears, I felt my weekend slowly slipping away- but I wasn't about to give in and let him keep pretending that nothings wrong. I began to think of the times I cried when I was little. Things were so easy then. Mom or Dad would run into my room and brush my worries away with a soft caressing hand. They could hold me in their arms and tell me everything was ok. I would believe them and I would feel safe. Even when I made them mad, they would let me cry it out and then come in to console me. The forgiveness of a parent's heart has no limits.

When you're a grown up, there is nobody to console you when you cry. No one rushes in to hold you and tell you things will be ok. When you're a grown up, your problems are so much bigger. They no longer disappear after a quick but dramatic fifteen minutes of crying. I find myself living in a cold, hollow adult world. People carry grudges and hold back apologies. The source of my sadness turns up the stereo volume to block out my cries rather than rushing in to pat me on the back.

All I wanted was an acknlowledgment of the pain he caused. All I get is a wasted weekend that can never be recovered and a heart that wont stop aching.


Butterflyfish said...

Ijust might have to link to this without comment every time it happens to me... since my husband reads the blog I'd never be able to write this myself. Many times I've needed to... draft folder full of them.

Hoping you get what you need... soon.

(hugs) -- not as good as the real thing, but hugs nonetheless

Law Student Hot Mama said...

Sorry you and your hubby are in a tiff! That sucks! What's really tough is if you get into a fight and your kid has arrived and you can't let the kid know that you're upset!

I also want to say . . . not to try to trump card your story or anything, but I wish my husband were HERE so that we could get into a tiff! Think of it this way . . . sure, it might be an upsetting weekend, but refusing to talk to each other about it is just going to prolong the tiff! At least he's there and even if he says mean things, he's THERE . . . and when you resolve the tiff you can enjoy each other's company again.

Oh, and give him the finger! :-) I find it always makes me feel better when driving . . .

Googie Baba said...

Cee, so sorry to hear about your weekend. I hope you and your husband have made up.

I so relate as well. People can be so disappointing.

Anonymous said...

nothing good comes out of expecting someone else to do something to make you feel better. People are just the way they are...they are not mind readers nor are their actions predictable or controllable. Sorry you were hurt, but feeling sorry for yourself neither helps him or you.