The Enormity Of It All

There is no worse feeling than the desperate helplessness of missing someone. When your starvation for his simple touch is left unfulfilled. When desire to just be in his presence is met with emptiness. Hopelessly yearning to carry out daily activities side by side and exchange meaningless banter.

This weekend, my husband went on a camping trip to Canada with "the guys." He was only gone two nights, nothing like his week long trip to Mexico, but I didn't have school or work to distract me from missing him.

Usually, every eight hour work day that we spend apart, the only thing on my mind is the second that I get to walk in the door and be with him again. After a year of marriage, it amazes me how I still get excited when I see him and how essential he has become in my life. Missing him is so awful because there is no parallel to the feeling that rushes over me when he softly kisses my shoulder, reaches for my hand or rests his palms on my knee. It's just scary and tormenting to think how devastated I will be if he is ever gone.

When he came home tonight, I followed him around the house. Like I could somehow make up for all our time apart. When we sat down and watched a movie, I wrapped myself around him, appreciating his presence and purposeful reciprocity more than usual. We watched Ghost because I had never seen it before. The theme of the movie only accentuated my gratefulness for the present moments I have with him.

Someday, I wont be able to trace his rough cheeks with my finger or rest my head against his chest. The thought kills me. Resting side by side in bed after the movie it hit me how precious one individual human life is. Anything in the world can be replaced if lost. Ipods, goldfish, and other belongings can be bought anew. Even fine art can be reproduced and replicated. But human life...each one is different. No one can replace or duplicate another being.

I don't know if there is some grand "purpose" of life and if there is, I have given up ever figuring it out. But tonight I realized the importance of each irreplacable human life. I think discovering that is almost purpose enough. Because if you truly understand the value of each person- including yourself- you can't take anything for granted and you develop persective of what it is that is really important.

Realizing all this, I am breathless by the enormity of my current task: creating a brand new life. A new person who will be shaped by his environment and his experiences as he grows. A person who will seek love, feel love and be loved. A person who will develop his own personality, habits, and likes. A person who will not only mean the world to me and my husband but to the other people who become a part of his life. Someone who will miss and be missed and who can never be replaced.

I'm awestruck that humans are not only given the valuable gift of life but also the amazing ability to create one. The key is to keep myself reminded of all this- not just when my husband goes away for a weekend- but constantly.