When You Are A Woman, Sometimes You Wear Stretchy Pants.

I need to memorialize my love for stretchy pants in a blog post. By stretchy pants, I mean the maternity jeans with those awesome elastic panels.

First, I have to say that I can't afford to NOT love my stretchy pants. Why? Because they cost me $200. BELIEVE ME, I did NOT want to spend that much on jeans I will wear for three and a half months. But I had no choice if I wanted to wear anything other than sweatpants throughout this pregnancy. I went to Gap, I went to Old Navy, I went to Kohls, I went to JCPenneys, I went to Sears, I went to Motherhood Maternity and it's many affiliates. I did not find one pair of pants that fit me.

Old Navy jeans came close, the one pair that did fit were straight-leg jeans. I refused to buy the frumpy straight-leg maternity jeans even if they only cost $24.95. I just don't feel comfortable in straight-leg jeans. All the rest of Old Navy's jeans (even the x-small) were too baggy in the ass and the thighs. The only part of me that is growing is my belly, why do the jean manufacturers assume that my ass and thighs will explode in unison? It still baffles me how difficult it is to find maternity jeans in my size. I live in ghetto-ville where there seems to be a mysteriously large number of teen pregnancies. Why don't maternity lines cater to pregnant teens because I could probably wear those clothes.

After trying on my fifty-third pair of jeans that made me look like Granny Ass or Cool Pants Sagging Male Teen, I got desperate. I made the long trip to Seattle to the store that sells designer maternity jeans. Even those were mostly too big for me (darn hipless body), but I did find one nice pair of Sevens with a lovely price tag of $200. You know what? I felt guilty for ten minutes. Then I put those amazing Ass-defining jeans on and I felt like, well, $200. Feeling just a little bit sexy with a baby belly is worth every penny.

You know what else I like about those pants? They STRETCH. I can eat an extra dessert and not feel the pinch of the waistline. Plus, I don't even need to button or zip them, I just have to pull them up, so convenient! All I have to do is get pregnant seven more times and I might get a return on my denim investment.