Sunday, January 4, 2009

It's Never Easy To Do What's Best

Jacob has his four month check up tomorrow and it will include a couple of shots. I'm so horrified for him. The poor thing has no idea what is to come. He will wake up, coo and goo and spit bubbles at me. Then he will give me some love and cuddles from the bottom of his happy, trusting heart. Then he will look up at me in utter adoration as I feed him.

And he will have NO IDEA that I am setting him up for the slaughter. I will test the strength of his trust by allowing a mean male nurse poke a needle in his vulnerable body. I will stretch the boundaries of his innate love for me as I hold him while the entire thing happens.

I can still vividly recall the awful squished face he made during his last shot as his small writhing body let out a wild scream. Even though I refused to watch the nurse, I knew the exact moment the needle met Jacob's soft baby skin. One minute he was innocently looking up at me and the next he was red, squinting and screaming for his life.

And after all of that. He will cling to me as I pick him up, rub his wet face into my chest, let out his painful cries, and then he will go on loving and trusting me. Even though I scheduled the date for his shot. Even though I cannot take the pain away. Even though I willingly allowed it to happen. It downright sucks being a mom when the things that are for your kid's own good are too painful to watch.

I am not looking forward to tomorrow at all.

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