Saturday, January 24, 2009

"Junk Envy" And "Jeans Suck"

Ok, so I might have mentioned this once or twice, but I don't have much "junk" in my "trunk". As a result, I have junk envy. Since I have pretty muched stopped all forms of exercising that require me to get my junk off the couch (this is hard even with little junk), my pants are not quite fitting so well in the "junk in your trunk" department.

Halfway through the day, after bending down countless times to change diapers, pick up Jacob, and pick his things off the floor, my pants are riding my junk like an amateur cowboy on a bull...just awaiting to be bucked off. Why is it that jeans fit great right when you put them on, but by the end of the day, you might as well be wearing clown pants?

Should I invest in suspenders? Please God, why can't suspenders be in style?

So I clearly have to buy some new jeans. But I HATE buying new jeans for so many reasons. First of all women's sizes do not fit me. I should be happy about the fact that I can practically swim in a women's size 4 but really, it's just so inconvenient. And usually that's the smallest size I can find at the department stores. So I have to sneak into the junior's section...with all the emo/retro highschoolers and their emo/retro clothing. Ew.

Still not much luck. There is an abundance of skinny jeans. Skinny jeans make me look like a flamingo. Not so much for their color but for their silhouette of long, gangly legs. And skinny jeans always bunch up funny below the knees. In my opinion, skinny jeans are just an Ode to Anorexia. Let's take these healthy looking pant legs and STARVE them so they look skeletal- ahh, much better. Our entire culture is on a diet, including our jeans.

I embarassingly lurk among the clothing racks trying to not feel squeamish between a pink and grey striped sweatshirt featuring a skull and crossbones and a shelf with leggings in every color imaginable (help me). There are immensley faded jeans, jeans with rinestones, jeans with rips, bleach white jeans and jeans with huge stiching on the back pockets...none of which seem appropriate to wear to law school among semi-intellectuals.

I have tried going the designer route once. In my experience, Sevens stretch out way too much considering they cost as much as three law books (sad how I measure the cost of items in law books). I love to try on designer jeans, they make my backside look almost comparable to Teri Hatcher's on Desperate Housewives- she has such a great ass!, but the price tag gives me convulsions.

So to all of you who dress with more care than a streetfair monkey, please help! Where do you buy your jeans. I need some that make my lack of junk look awesome and that will not require the use of suspenders halfway through the day. Help, anyone?


jls said...

i know it's a juniors store, but you might try hollister. women's clothes don't fit me well either and i've had luck with hollister jeans. they're all pretty low-cut so you have to wear a belt, but the price is great and you should be able to find something in your size. i also love lucky brand jeans, but they are more expensive.

Anonymous said...

I buy all my jeans from bluefly- you can usually get something around $100 and can search by size. designer jeans are expensive but last forever- i've had the same paid of sevens for the last 6 years

Someone Being Me said...

I am a size 2 short when I am not pregnant and I pretty much only have luck with Old Navy/Gap or American Eagle jeans fitting me. They are cheap and nothing special but they work.

FSD said...

Girl, I don't have junk in my trunk either! My hubby and I have decided poor Zoe is doomed because my hubby lacks junk too! LOL.

How about Banana Republic? I was in the market for designer jeans once and couldn't bring myself to spend close to $200 on....jeans?! So I went to BR and was pleasantly surprised. Now, I can't tell you the last time I could fit a size 4 (or any other single digit size for that matter), but perhaps you can find a nice pair of jeans there. Gap is another option.

Okay, I lied....I wore single digit size clothes when I started law school. I used to find AWESOME junior jeans at Ross Dress for Less. Not sure if you have those where you live. A TJ Maxx would be another good option.

Good luck!

LEO said...

I've never had any junk, and I usually have a little plumber butt going on. I hate wearing belts because then it makes a weird line under my shirts. Besides the not fitting my ass problem, I also have a 34" inseam (with flats), so basically the only jeans that ever fit me are citizens of humanity and a few kinds of Sevens.

I say, the second you find a pair of jeans that fits well, buy them and ignore the price. I agree with Anon, at least the expensive ones last forever!

LL said...

Have you looked at TJ Maxx, Marshall's, or Ross? Are any of those in your area? I've gotten some fantastic designer jeans all for less than $50 there. I have absolutely no butt or hips (my waist is actually wider than both) so I have a very hard time getting jeans to stay up as well. Actually I'm not even sure why I'm trying to give you advice as I currently own no jeans that fit properly. Let me know what you find!

newduck said...

I'm kind of a teeny-meenie and have really had it with expensive jeans stretching out. I finally threw in the towel and went to the gap. They have some jeans that run a little higher in the waist than most - in other words, mom jeans - the opposite of low riders. Ugh. But the higher the waist, the less likely they are to fall down. Don't ask why.

~emmy said...

Designer jeans stretch out as well. Paige jeans have a higher rise and don"t stretch out as much as my Joe Jeans. I am so tired of spending big bucks for jeans that only fit well for a few hours!!! I would love to know how to keep my jeans from falling down!