Tonight I rocked Jacob for a couple minutes before I put him in his crib per our usual bedtime routine. He fit so perfectly in the space between my arm and my body and he rested his soft, sweet smelling baby head on my chest. We rocked back in forth in silence and he reached his hand up to pat the side of my face.
The tears just started flowing. Without notice and without explanation.
I thought right there in that moment that I didn't want Jacob to change at all. I didn't want him to grow any taller, any smarter, or become any less innocent. It's hard watching your baby grow before your eyes. You know you are helpless and you can't do a thing about it but you also can't ignore it or walk away from it. You have to live with the daily knowledge that your baby is growing up and going to eventually grow away from you.
I've lamented this inevitable processs of growth from day 1. I've cried many tears (especially post-pardum) over this very thing. And then he grows. He changes. He learns something new. And, even though I thought it was impossible, I end up loving him even more. So while I'm embracing my sadness over the fact that my baby will not be my baby forever, I have to remember that I will love him in the next stage even more. But it's still hard. Especially now.
Jacob is at such a cute age. He is obedient and joyful and loves to explore the world around him. When we ask him to do something, he does it excitedly as if he can't wait to show off the fact that he can do what we just asked him. He does it without needing to know why. Without questioning us. His mind is simple and there is something so sweet about that.
He is also into imitating everything he sees. Lately he has been putting both his hands up in the air to gesture "I don't know." And when we ask him where his binky is, he will twirl around, quickly looking on the floor. If he can't see it he does the "I don't know" gesture and looks at us so expectantly as if we have the map to all missing things.
He knows exactly what he wants and makes sure that we know it. He tells us when he wants to brush his teeth, when he wants to wear socks, when he wants to wear slippers, when he wants to ride in the car shaped shopping carts at the store, when he wants to watch "lala" (elmo) and when he wants a "nack" (snack) or "cacker" (cracker) or some "num" (drink). If Jacob has his mind set on something, oh boy, you better watch out. He'll throw his head back until he is laying on the floor and squeal in a little boy tantrum. And, of course, I just think it makes him look both cute and ridiculous at the same time.
Our all time favorite phrase that Jacob says is "my ma ma" or "my da da." It makes my heart melt when he calls me "my ma ma" and then wraps his little arms around my neck.
So seriously, if you are out there Keeper of the Time, I wouldn't mind one bit if you could slow this train down a bit. I want to soak up all the toddler Jacob I can. Now excuse me while I wipe all the tears off my laptop keyboard and try to convince my husband to have five more kids with me.