Friday, January 8, 2010

Why I Married This Guy, Or Picking Cantaloupe: A Tutorial

My husband is (often) charming, handsome and witty (key word: often). Those are good reasons why I married him. I also married him because I knew he would produce cute babylings. But the fact that my husband worked in the produce department of a local grocery store was the real "clincher." This is what really set my heart-a-fire four plus years ago when we met. I still get weak-kneed when selects the plumbest tomatoes from a tomato mound in a matter of mere seconds. Or when he walks into a grocery store and says, "the produce here is a mess!" Or when he lectures me on the proper handling and bagging of grapes. Swoon.

The following cell phone conversation, which took place about an hour ago, is a good example of why I married my husband:

Me (freaking out): "Help! I'm standing in the produce aisle at the grocery store and there are like a million cantalopes! How do I pick the right one? Should they be green? Soft? White?!"

Husband: "No, don't pick a green cantaloupe, that means it's not ripe."

Me: "But I think they all have some green on them!"

Husband: "Ok first, locate the stem of the cantaloupe."

Me: "Huh, cantaloupes have stems? I guess that makes sense if they grow on trees right?"

I think I can hear him shaking his head in disgust.

Husband: "Well, the stem is probably cut off but locate where the stem used to be. You know, on the end of the cantaloupe."

Me: "Ok, got it- locate the stem."

Husband: "Then feel around the stem. A ripe cantaloupe will be soft around the stem. The actual stem is hard, just the areas AROUND the stem should be soft."

Me: "Ok."

Husband: "You can also try tapping the cantaloupe. If it makes a hollow sound, you know that it's ripe."

Me: "Uh, ok. Never knew this was going to be so complicated."

Husband: "You can also SMELL the area around the stem. Most cantaloupes smell like cardboard. But if your cantaloupe smells like cantaloupe, then it is ripe."

Me: "Uh, ok..."

I proceede to pick up one cantaloupe after the next, feeling them up, tapping their asses, and inhaling their cardboardy scent. I don't stop to think that I probably look like a freak. I feel like saying, "Hey there sexy cantaloupe, you have a fine ass, you feel soft and you smell great- wanna come home with me?" But there is a problem, none of the cantaloupes I see smell great, nor are they soft in the hiney.

Me: "I don't think these are ripe."

Hussband: "I doubt you'll find a ripe one. This time of year, they are rare to find. You have to take them home and wait a week for them to ripen."

Me: "That would have been nice news to know BEFORE I started molesting cantaloupe! I need it for TONIGHT!"

Husband: "You can always go to the deli and grab some freshly cut cantaloupe."

Me: "Gee, thanks."


Anonymous said...

On the plus side, I've now learned some valuable cantaloupe shopping tips.

Someone Being Me said...

I do the same thing when selecting pineapples and avocados. I practically molest each one in the pile before selecting the right one. My pineapple has to be just perfect and smell yummy. Maybe your husband could give us some more tips on selecting produce because I feel pretty clueless sometimes too.

LL said...

I made the mistake of reading this on my black berry while in the court room and nearly burst out laughing. Especially this, "Hey there sexy cantaloupe, you have a fine ass, you feel soft and you smell great- wanna come home with me?"

You crack me up. And I also learned some helpful fruit picking tips!

Rayne of Terror said...

hilarious! Definitely get him to do some produce selection tips. You funny them up.