Why I Married This Guy, Or Picking Cantaloupe: A Tutorial

My husband is (often) charming, handsome and witty (key word: often). Those are good reasons why I married him. I also married him because I knew he would produce cute babylings. But the fact that my husband worked in the produce department of a local grocery store was the real "clincher." This is what really set my heart-a-fire four plus years ago when we met. I still get weak-kneed when selects the plumbest tomatoes from a tomato mound in a matter of mere seconds. Or when he walks into a grocery store and says, "the produce here is a mess!" Or when he lectures me on the proper handling and bagging of grapes. Swoon.

The following cell phone conversation, which took place about an hour ago, is a good example of why I married my husband:

Me (freaking out): "Help! I'm standing in the produce aisle at the grocery store and there are like a million cantalopes! How do I pick the right one? Should they be green? Soft? White?!"

Husband: "No, don't pick a green cantaloupe, that means it's not ripe."

Me: "But I think they all have some green on them!"

Husband: "Ok first, locate the stem of the cantaloupe."

Me: "Huh, cantaloupes have stems? I guess that makes sense if they grow on trees right?"

I think I can hear him shaking his head in disgust.

Husband: "Well, the stem is probably cut off but locate where the stem used to be. You know, on the end of the cantaloupe."

Me: "Ok, got it- locate the stem."

Husband: "Then feel around the stem. A ripe cantaloupe will be soft around the stem. The actual stem is hard, just the areas AROUND the stem should be soft."

Me: "Ok."

Husband: "You can also try tapping the cantaloupe. If it makes a hollow sound, you know that it's ripe."

Me: "Uh, ok. Never knew this was going to be so complicated."

Husband: "You can also SMELL the area around the stem. Most cantaloupes smell like cardboard. But if your cantaloupe smells like cantaloupe, then it is ripe."

Me: "Uh, ok..."

I proceede to pick up one cantaloupe after the next, feeling them up, tapping their asses, and inhaling their cardboardy scent. I don't stop to think that I probably look like a freak. I feel like saying, "Hey there sexy cantaloupe, you have a fine ass, you feel soft and you smell great- wanna come home with me?" But there is a problem, none of the cantaloupes I see smell great, nor are they soft in the hiney.

Me: "I don't think these are ripe."

Hussband: "I doubt you'll find a ripe one. This time of year, they are rare to find. You have to take them home and wait a week for them to ripen."

Me: "That would have been nice news to know BEFORE I started molesting cantaloupe! I need it for TONIGHT!"

Husband: "You can always go to the deli and grab some freshly cut cantaloupe."

Me: "Gee, thanks."