Sunday, January 31, 2010

Sinking Fast

Three weeks until B-day (bar exam day).

I'm starting to feel confident in a couple subjects (torts, contracts, evidence, landlord tenant law, con law) but totally spazzing out about others (crim pro, real property, indian law, civ pro). UGH! And I hate the person bar prep is turning me into. I'm constantly whining, miserable, stressed and always feel like the world is out to get me. Nothing is half full, there is no light at the end of the tunnel and lemons only give you sour lemon rinds.

I just want this horror to be over.

I've been studying about 8 hours a day everyday (even weekends) for the past month. The only exception to this was one day when I studied 4 hours in the afternoon and took the rest of the night off. But you can bet your bottom that I was tormented every second of that brake because I wasn't studying.

I wake up each morning dreading the day ahead of me and I go to bed each night dreading that fact that I have to eventually wake up and face the morning. I'm pretty sure other people survive bar prep without feeling so miserable and horrible, why am I having such a negative reaction to it?

Maybe it's the fact that I've studied for more hours this past month than I did all of last semester (possibly including finals week). And I feel like I'm wasting precious and rare hours with my baby- he's practically being raised at his grandparents' house right now and I feel HORRIBLE. The floors in my house are NASTY. I'm running out of clean underwear. I'm sick of eating frozen pizza for dinner. I'm sadly depleting all available credit left on my credit cards. I'm starting to wonder why I even bother to shower because I never leave my house (except for a chocolate run) and I don't even remember the last time I got any action in the bedroom (not due to any lack of trying on my part). I don't even remember what life was life before I had this huge bar exam chain around my neck. Seriously, people survive this crap?

And if I hear one more person tell me they passed the bar and they only studied the two weeks before the exam, I'm gonna go serial killer Dexter style on these people! I'd rather go through another semester (maybe 2) of law school than deal with the stress and tortures of the bar exam.

Why does my life suck and why do I suck at life?!


Proto Attorney said...

Don't worry, you're doing exactly what you're supposed to do, which is keep trotting along while you feel like there is no way you could possibly squeeze any more law into your brain without it exploding. You'll make it through, I promise! Then it will all just be a painful memory, easily dulled by alcohol.

2L Mom said...

Don't freak yourself out. I'm retaking the bar in February, and your blog post reminds me of myself. I felt guilty when not studying. I panicked about what would happen if I failed. Well, I did fail and here I am, taking it again, and wishing I didn't psych myself out so much. Don't be too hard on yourself!

jennys said...

cee, you're doing great! i studied for the texas bar way too much, i felt exactly the same way you did. my sister was one of those "i studied for 1 week and passed" people, and it made me nuts. in the end, i doubt i scored much higher than she did, which is so annoying, but i just have to feel that i've done all i can to prepare for something like the bar exam. i will tell you, about 2 weeks out i did take an entire day off to spend with hubby and baby, and it was the best thing i could have done. i went back as recharged as i could be.

je said...

hang in there! i know i have no business commenting, since i'm a year away from being in that hellhole myself... but it sounds like you're just stuck in the middle of a miserable storm and just have to wait (study?) it out. life really isn't as terrible as it feels right now, you aren't as unsexy as you feel and if you need to go a few days without showering, big deal? (i use finals as an excuse all the time.)

Anonymous said...

Anyone who tells you that they studied only the last two weeks before the bar is lying.
I felt exactly like you felt at this point, it is completely normal (even if it is awful). It's like I tell my husband (who is taking the bar this summer) "You can't understand how truly awful studying for the bar is until you actually do it." I think doing anything for 8 hours a day every day with no break would be awful. I used to say I felt like I was stuck in Groundhog day studying for that test. Hang in there, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

CM said...

Breathe. Go for a run. It'll be over soon!

LEO said...

You should def take a day off. You're still far enough out that it you can afford to and it will help recharge your batteries for the next few weeks. If you can't do a full day, go for a half day and don't bring books or outlines.

Like the BarBri Performance Test lecturer told us, "theeeeeey passed." No one failed the bar for taking one day off. Do it. You'll feel a million times better and the bar exam is at least 95% about your mental state.