Friday, January 22, 2010

Strange BedShowerfellows

I just totally checked out of the reality of the bar exam. My parents took Jacob overnight. Theoretically this was so I could do six practice bar exam questions, outline criminal law, and finish a lecture for criminal procedure. But, as usual, my homework to do list was much more optimistic and energetic than I was.

So, in consecutive order, I did the following instead:

1. Went on a gym date with husband and jogged for the first time in months (months and months and months). (sidebar: do they make push up sportsbras? Because as small as I am, that dern baby did a number on my body- sorry for the TMI- and no one wants to watch pancakes flapping in the wind. Ok, so very sorry for that... moving on...)

2. Went on a grocery story shopping date with my husband for an emergency stock of Skinny Cows- omg, heaven in a(n?) 150 calorie ice cream sandwich!

3. Vegged out in front of a mindless movie.

So, there's one thing I left out between #2 and #3, and that is the subject of the rest of this blog post. Between #2 and #3- the impossible happened! A rare and aweing event that only occurs every other blue moon...

I took a hot, steamy shower with my husband! Literally. It was hot. And it was steamy. Don't worry this post is staying PG-13. I think you can figure out why this is a rare event in our happily married household:

"Hey there, wanna join me in the shower as I clean away all this gym grime?" (Aren't I so tempting?) I ask while rubbing provocatively against my husband, all the while unintentionally blocking his view of the sports car images on his computer.

"Uh, maybe." He replies as he pushed me out of the way of a suped-up, shiny mustang.

I discard my gym clothes and climb into the shower. To my surprise, my husband follows behind me. SCORE! I try to show my enthusiasm by getting all friendly with him.

"Knock it off." He says. "I'm here to take a shower."

"Uh? Hello? Why do you think I asked you to shower with me?"

"OMG, the water is f*cking hot!"

"No it's not- it's perfect. Hey, now it's freezing. Turn it back up."

"Are you trying to burn my skin off?"

"Awww, you're cute when you're mad. You're also cute when you lather your hair. You look like a character from the goof troop."

"Can we stop with the commentary? Can't I just take a shower in peace please?" He pouts (he's cute when he pouts). "Please block the water while I lather."

I try to slap his bottom- you know, because it's too much to watch him rub exfoliating lavendar body wash all over his manly body.

"I said block the water! Geez!"

"Sorry" - I gave one final slap.

"Ok, now you're hogging all the water. I need to rinse."

"HEY. Now I'M freezing!" I try to join him under the waterfall.

"Knock it off, I'm trying to rinse. I still have soap on my back."

"There's no more soap on your back- now share!"


"You're cute when you do your bottom rinsing dance."

"AGAIN, enough of the commentary!"

"Wanna shave my legs?"

"No. Be sure to put the drain plug in. And block the water as I get out..... I SAID BLOCK IT- YOU'R LETTING THE WATER GET ON THE FLOOR!"


Ok so not my idea of a hot steamy shower. And this is precisely why we do not shower together- EVER.


Portia said...

Oh so familiar!!! Remember the days when shower sex was always an option?? :)

Anonymous said...

This is funny in too many ways to list. But I have to admit, I find shower sex to be overrated. Beach sex too. These are the stuff of highly produced movies that never seem to work nearly as well in real life.

je said...

LOL... that's too TOO funny! Why is it that guys hate commentary in the shower? So utilitarian...