Thursday, April 24, 2008

Emo

Today I hate being pregnant.

I used to imagine what it would be like to have kids. I used to try to picture myself pregnant. In my mind, I loved being pregnant. I loved the idea of carrying a product of the love I share with another inside me.

But even though I thought a lot about the pain of childbirth and the joys of caring for a newborn, I never really THOUGHT about pregnancy. I had no idea how much of a burden it would be. I never realized that I would be sharing my body with someone else for NINE whole months! I didn't realize what a physical and mental commitment I would be forced to make.

Lately I feel intruded upon. You know that feeling when a house guests stays for too long? That's how I feel about this pregnancy, except this is worse. I feel so uncomfortable in my body. I hate the awkward new shape of my body and how nothing fits me right. My body seems to be extra unusual. I cannot fit into any normal maternity pants. I have been to all the department stores and specialty maternity stores in the entire Puget Sound area and have discovered all the maternity jeans to be either (1) too short, (2) too big in the hips/thigh/legs, or (3) too short AND too big.

I have been told by many sales clerks that I probably have to buy designer maternity jeans. Um? Are you kidding me? I do not want to pay $200 for a pair of jean I will wear for three months- but I'm getting so desperate that I might just fork it over. Why is this so hard? I've never had problems finding jeans before!

I hate clothes. I look in the mirror and I don't see me, I see someone else. I feel so down when I have to get dressed or try on clothes. The worst part is that I have no control. I'm just gonna get bigger and more awkward. I miss being slender and agile. I miss my waist. I miss feeling sexy when I slide into a fitted top. I miss feeling sexy, period. I miss running the way I used to run. I miss racing and competing. I miss having energy.

I've been so exhausted lately- when I'm at home I'm passed out on the couch or the bed. I don't have energy to do school work, house work, or even fun thing I used to enjoy. I have even been getting nauseous again! That's not supposed to happen! I know this sounds awful for a mom-to-be to say but I can't wait until I'm out of this Pregnancy Prison. How will I survive for four more months? I wish I could hibernate through it all.

2 comments:

CM said...

It isn't easy to carry another person for close to a year. Just remember it's your baby boy in there!

For a while now it seems like you've been loving the idea of a new baby, but feeling uncomfortable in your pregnant body. I can understand why, since you're a runner. I think pregnant women are beautiful.

But yeah, the clothes thing is tough. Maybe you could try buying clothes online? My strategy during pregnancy was to buy giant boxes of clothes and then return almost all of them, but then you can try stuff out that's not in your local stores, and often in different sizes. A lot of sites have free returns or you can return items locally.

Law Student Hot Mama said...

Old Navy has great maternity jeans and their stuff is so cheap as you outgrow it, you can just chuck it at the back of your closet for the next baby.

I hated HATED being pregnant. But well worth it!