Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Feeling Lucky

Sometimes I can't get over how lucky I am. Some people search their whole lives for someone that they are compatable with that they can experience life with. I often wonder how many people feel like they are settling when they eventually commit to someone. At the young age of 21, when I met my husband, I not only found a best friend, but I found love and the most valuable thing in my life.

The random choices and decisions we made that brought us to work in the same organization - could have easily brought us to a different present. It's too close to comfort thinking about how things might have turned out differently- my alternate reality like in the moving Sliding Doors- if either of us would have made just one decision differently. After a series of bad dating experiences, I decided that love was a romanticized idea that didn't exist in reality. I decided the reality was to find someone you can co-exist with and who will reciprocate a level of commitment to you.

I almost succombed to what I thought was my fate. I came home for Christmas one year in college and my parents introduced me to the son of their best friends through church. This was a guy my mom has always hinted about me marrying. To my surprise, I actually liked him. We dated for a little bit. He was tall and strong and muscular and lived in California, he was studying engineering. I would fly down to visit and we had a lot of fun together. Everything seemed to work perfectly- our parents were happy, we enjoyed each other. I envisioned settling down with him. I even mentally prepared myself to not date anyone else. I thought I was finally done.

Then my husband walked into my life. I liked him right away. He was mysterious and quiet but also very polite and kind. The more I go to know him, the funnier he became. We had a professional working relationship as interns for the same direct supervisor. Soon I found myself trying to impress him, through my dress and through my work achievements. It didn't take much longer before I was head over heels. Apparently he was too. He asked me out to lunch one afternoon, later he would tell me that it took him a whole month's worth of courage to do so. We clicked immediately, in a way that I didn't click with Cali Boy. I could talk to him like a best friend, I could be myself (i.e. I could admit that I went to Space Camp and had participated in Model United Nations).

That summer I ended it with Cali Boy, which was not easy to do as I had mentally and emotionally commited to him already. But in doing so, I was able to free myself entirely for my husband. All my prior beliefs of love as a fantasy melted away. Love was not only real to me, but it was so much better than I had ever imagined it could be. I love how handsome he is, I love how he caresses me, I love how fun he is to hang out with on a Saturday while we are doing nothing in particular. but the way I love him also transcends physical attributes and tangible ideas. I sometimes think that my body just cannot contain the contents of my love and that I might overflow. If I was a good writer, I might be able to better express what it is to me.

I know love alone doesn't make a marriage. The truth is, it's hard to live with anyone. To really make things last you need commitment as well. You need to commit to making your relationship work even when things get hard. But the love is a running current behind our day to day activities. The thing about love is, that is changes all the time. It changes in form and in substance. It becomes less of a commodity and more of a thread that is woven into your everyday life keeping you together.

1 comment:

Brittmae said...

Beautiful Cee, thanks for sharing. I am married as well to a wonderful guy that was my friend, my comfy, nice guy friend, long before he became my love.

You sound like you are going to be a great couple, a great family. All the best--