Thursday, March 19, 2009

Stop This Train

Whenever I hear that song by John Mayer, I tear up. Why? Because life is going by way too fast. And there is nothing I can do about it. When Mayer sings that he doesn't want to see his parents go, I sympathize.

I feel like my life is whizzing past me like a bullet train. I can FEEL it going by way too quickly. How can I be turning 25 this year? How? Remember when you were little and you just couldn't wait to grow up and start your life? You feel like you have a million years to live and adventure. Who you are is just one big open book and anything is possible. Now, I'm in the middle of my story, and it's a good one, don't get me wrong. But, how can it be going by so fast?

I didn't want time to slow down until Jacob was born. Before then I was always in a rush to get things done. Highschool. College. Law School. Job. I had an agenda and I felt like my life wouldn't start until I was out of school, in a house, in a marriage, and with a nice paycheck. But Jacob started my life. I no logner feel like I'm living for the future. I feel like this is exactly what I've been waiting for my whole life. Except, I don't have my whole life left.

I remember being six. Back then, my parents were the parents of young children. Now, they are grandparents! Holy hell! I just blinked and we all aged. If it seemed to go that fast for my own parents, it can only go by faster for me. In another blink, I will be in their shoes.

I just want it to slow down. I just want Jacob to be my baby for four times as long as life allows. I just want to rock him to sleep for the rest of my life. Looking at how big he has grown makes me happy in such a sad way.

This is why I cradle him to bed each night. And after he has drifted to sleep, I let him rest in the nook of my arms for a couple extra minutes before I gently lay him down. Why does life have to hurt so much?


Butterflyfish said...

Oh do I know what you mean. I don't know the Mayer song, but 5 for fighting 100 years does that to me every damn time. "I'm 33 for a moment." My parents are officially in their late 60s. CLOWNFISH IS GOING TO KINDERGARTEN IN THE FALL!!

ummm. sorry for yelling. Yeah.

je said...

i was just saying to T the other night in bed that sometimes i love our dog so much that it hurts, and if it hurts this much to love a dog, i can only imagine what it'll be like when we have kids...

don't know if you're a country music fan, but as cheesy as it is, that song "Don't Blink" makes me tear up most times i hear it, basically for the reasons you describe...