Thursday, January 10, 2008

Emotional Oscillation at Grades Time

I have only received two grades so far, but they are bad enough to make me want to bury my head in elephant droppings for a whole semester if it means I don't have to step foot into another law class.

I know, I know, for 363 days a year I practically preach that law school grades don't determine who you are and that overcoming them is the easiest way to keep your sanity. But for those other 2 days out of the year (when spring and fall grades come out), my guard comes down and I am as dependent on my grades as Miss Straight A- Law Review Editor.

I was so devastated this time around because I spend a LOT of time and energy on studying for these two tests. I worked really hard on my outlines, re-read the cases, took practice tests and created diagrams and timelines...what more could I have done? I expected to do pretty well because of all my hard work, but as I have to re-learn every semester, hard work in law school does not always translate into equivalent grades. Or is it just me? Am I doomed to be a failure?

Times like this, I am certain that I should have gone to art school instead.

So I let myself cry and pout for a day. I let myself throw pillows at the wall and stomp on my law school books. I allowed thoughts of quitting and un-registering for all my spring semester classes rush through my mind. I let myself HATE with a vengeance my law school friends who commented about their good grades on online chat programs and facebook.

Then, there was a new day. These thoughts slowly trickled out of my brain. I stopped clenching kitchen knives while repeating the names of my straight A lawschool rivals. I reminded myself that I had only seen two grades so far and that better grades were yet to come. I received an email telling me that spots had opened in Construction law and I was the first on the waitlist (probabaly the only one on the waitlist). Yay!

Without fail, I am now back to my normal determined self. I promise to work three times harder than anyone else in my classes. I WILL study every saturday to create and update my outlines weekly. I'm going to buy all the study aids I can and answer practice questions. I will try to forget that I was this determined last semester too and it did me no good. I am summoning every ounce of self confidence that I can recover in this lawschool-broken mind.

In the end, we have to spend our time enjoying every second of life. I will not waste my time worrying and stressing out. Insert Personal Mantra: "Everything always works out for the better."

Maybe I'm Schizophrenic?

1 comment:

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