Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Prepartum Depression

Is there such a thing? I think I have it.

This is the third day in a row that I have absolutely no appetite. I force fed myself toast last night because I knew I had to eat something. Then I sat on my couch and stared at the wall for three hours. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted from waiting. If I knew it would take so long I would have saved my mental energy but I expected to be done with this awful journey called pregnancy by now.

I'm sick of thinking about babies and hospitals. I know it sounds really awful but I can't stand anything baby related right now. I want to be myself again. And I'm even starting to wish I never got pregnant in the first place. The longer I sit on my butt waiting, the more time I have to think about what it means to bring a life into the world. That's more time to feel daunted by the 18 year commitment. More time to dwell on the fact that someone will call me "mom."

Worst of all, this waiting is creating a tremendous build-up. Before, I was so sick of being pregnant that I just wanted to go into labor right away. But now I have moments where I think about it too long and realize- "Holy shit. My body has to do THAT?!" And I feel trapped and scared and I can't just get it over with whenever a moment of courage passes over me.

I have no desire to do anything and this just makes me more bored and depressed. I don't want to go out because I'm sick of people asking when I'm due. Plus I feel even bigger than before and I don't have ANY shirts that fit and I'm sick of people staring at my belly! I'm so uncomfortable and even simple things- like bending over or getting off the couch- take a lot of effort and energy and maneuvering.

This depression is pretty bad. I know it's bad because I don't even want to eat ice cream.

8 comments:

the dragonfly said...

I'm sorry...I wish I could make it all better!

Thinking of you, hoping you go into labor soon!!

CM said...

Hang in there... try to sleep a lot... and if there is anything at all that would make you happy right now, try to do it! Don't worry, it really will be any day now. And I know labor seems scary right now, but you will get through it and then you'll have your baby! Even if labor is as horrible as you could possibly imagine, it's over in a day. You can do it. And as for fear over bringing a new life into the world, the great thing about babies is that they have no expectations. Just keep him safe, warm, and fed, and you're doing your job.

LEO said...

Ugghh! You clearly need a better distraction. I haven't the slightest idea of what would work, if ice cream doesn't even sound appealing. If only the doctor had never blown the cover on your due date, it wouldn't seem AS bad! I hope baby Palmer arrives soon!

Portia said...

Waiting sucks but I promise pregnancy is a temporary condition. I know that's scary but you'll be so great. Make your hubby pamper you, go out on a date, spend hours wandering aimlessly online, and try to enjoy your last few baby-free days! Hang in there!

PT-LawMom said...

(((BIG HUGS))) I agree, you need to try to sleep more if you can. Rent funny movies you've always wanted to see. Read if you can concentrate long enough to do so (I couldn't). Watch a Law & Order marathon (15 back-to-back episodes sent me into labor - LOL!) Good luck!!! Hope you have someone ready to post if you go into labor. We can't wait to hear!!!

Butterflyfish said...

I'm in the sleep and television therapy camp, if you object to wandering in the mall (which is what I did when I was a week past due in August). I know you probably want to punch the screen each time one of us currently non-past-due pregnant women say 'hang in there,' but hang in there.

(((hugs))

Googie Baba said...

Oh eat the ice cream! You will feel much better.

Anonymous said...

I feell the same way as you did. How did it turn out in the end? I am 36 and pregnant for the first time. 35 weeks now. I was excited with no negative symptoms whatsoever but now see it all as my life is going to be over no more anything but about taking care of this baby and having my internal and external organs torn and ruined. I had hobbies, horses, great marriage, sex life, travel and independence. Now its nothing just moving around being uncomfortable, constantly in the bathroom, thinking about every 2 hrs breast feeds, no sex because my husband is not into it anymore and after birth its really gonna be over because my body will be ripped apart. Also thinking about going to stores and lugging a baby and everyone staring worse than they do now. This sounds horrible and selfish and evil but I can't help the way I feel. I just had to write it all out instead of constantly thinking it in my brain. No meds or talk therapy could help unless I could go back in time and change it all. My friends say once you see the baby it will all change forever and you will fall in love with the baby. God I hope so with all my heart!