Sunday, February 3, 2008


Thank you to everyone who gave me good recommendation re: my "problem" mentioned in the last post. I did try prune juice once, but drinking it made me gag, so I am excited to try yummy prune yogurt- and I never thought of eating whole prunes!

This has been a very disapointing weekend for me. It may be all in my head, but knowing that just makes me feel worse.

I have been babysitting every Friday almost since I can remember. I continue to babysit even though I should probably phase it out now because I'm too tired and being tired makes the once "cute" kids seem like little holy terrors. I babysat three kids this Friday (4 years, 2 years, 3 months) for eight hours. It took a lot out of me and all I really wanted to do was come home and cuddle with my husband.

Early Saturday my husband had to help drive his mom down to Oregon. So I woke up alone in my house. I ran my errands and had a "me" day. Then I planned a big fun meal, my husband's favorite. Except he called halfway through my cooking to tell me he was going to visit a friend and wouldn't come home until late. I was really upset. I know he has a right to visit his friends. But I was looking forward to being with him all day. So I pouted in the phone and said "that's stupid." His reply was, "I think it's stupid when you babysit." This totally pissed me off. I've been babysitting forever- he knows that and it's a way for me to make extra money. So he knows that we get to hang out on Saturday instead. Apparently he didn't seem to care. So ever since he called me yesterday to tell me that, I have been depressed and on the verge of tears. I had my family over to eat the food I made. When they left, I was exhausted and fell asleep. Husband came home aroud 10, but I was mad and tired and went straight to bed.

Today was my day to study. I packed up my books and head to Starbucks to be productive. Barely exchanged a "hi" with my husband. I still felt crappy and sad and angry (are my emotions running away from me?). When I got to Starbucks, I realized I left my book at home which made me feel worse. I read a couple assigned articles for a different class but I got frustrated because they were so complicated that I couldn't understand them. After two hours I left Starbucks and realized I left my purse there. It was still there where I left it but that was the last straw. I started crying all the way home.

I got home and my husband tells me he's going to watch the superbowl with his friends. This makes me more angry. I decline his invitation to come with. I hate football and I can't even drink beer and the last thing I want to do is go see his friends and be smelled and licked by their stupid dog all afternoon.

I walk in the door in a tempest of anger/sadness. I throw all my stuff on the floor in front of me, including my keys which I will probably never find again, and bawl for two hours straight. I can feel my body shake from my crying. I let myself cry as loud as I want and I even hear the neighbors dog howling back at me. My cats skitter to the other side of the house. Everything I think and everything I see makes me cry even more. I'm so angry at this point. I shake the refrigerator until I hear glass break (oops what was that- oh well, I don't care). I shred the latest edition of my Foreign Policy Magazine to pieces- then crumple those pieces up into a tight ball. I look for things to destroy but I realize I'm not THAT insane. I desperately want to plug in all the appliances, turn on all the lights and crank the thermostat up to 80 just to make my husband mad.

I can't control myself right now. I just wanted to spend the weekend with my husband after not seeing him all week but now I'm so angry I don't even want to see him. At the same time, I'm pissed off that he left and ruined any chance that we might hang out before this next week starts and the business starts all over again. We haven't "baby danced" in a long time- I never want to anymore because I'm usually tired or sick and he never takes the initiative. I know this is mean, but now I want to hold it back from him on purpose FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE!


CM said...

Awww. I know sometimes you just feel that way anyway, but somehow during pregnancy and when you have a newborn those hormones make you at least ten times crazier than usual. Somebody told me that one thing she wasn't expecting about having a newborn was that sometimes she just felt SO ANGRY at her husband, even though she knew it wasn't always justified, and that made me feel so much better because I felt that way too.

CM said...

(P.S. - not that it's unjustified in your case, but that feeling of "I know I should calm down and talk about this rationally but I AM TOO ANGRY AND AAARRRGGGHHHH" I think is intensified by pregnancy/postpartum.)

PT-LawMom said...

1) Prune juice makes me want to puke, but I adore whole prunes. You can always bake them into scones or muffins.

2) Pregnancy hormones turn normal people into crazy people. That probably pisses you off to read because your hormones are raging, but when you aren't pregnant, you will look back and go, "Man, I was freakin' crazy!" That said, your husband's being a bit of an ass. Maybe you should buy him a "What Dad's should expect during pregnancy" book or get one of your male relatives to have a talk with him. Or maybe you should sit down with him and tell him how you're feeling or what you need? Or maybe you take him with you to the Ob/Gyn and have her discuss these common emotions during your next visit.

P.S. If it's any consolation, I was way into baby dancing in my 6th - 8th months. Those hormones aren't all bad! ;)