Monday, February 18, 2008

Should Have Joined The Circus

Things I don't like to do: sit in an office at a desk all day, clean...ANYTHING, fold laundry, read cases.

Things I like to do: bake cookies, breads and desserts, cook dinner, watch movies, watch tv shows just because they are on, read Jane Austen, hold babies, physically create things, sit on the couch, eat Robin Eggs.

I wish I could find a way to do only the things I like to do and never do the things I hate. But I guess my character would never develop and I would be lazy, spoiled, afraid of new things and unable to function in the real world. Still, wouldn't it be great?

Parts of me long to be a stay at home mom. Not because it's easy- because I know it is anything but easy. I mean, a stay at home mom is like a child development expert. She is a nurse, a culinary expert, a teacher, an organizer, an accountant, a houshold manager, and a child entertainment specialist. But all the things associated with staying home and caring for children and the household are things I genuinely enjoy (except for cleaning but that's what a chore chart is for).

Yet parts of me are also afriad to become a mom, let alone a stay at home mom. When I babysit I can't help but notice the haggard, tired, frustrated looks on the faces of the moms. They smile ear to ear when they talk about their children but their children also suck the energy out of them. I've come to accept that when you have kids, you begin an 18 year hiatus from sleeping in, having down time, thinking only about yourself, being able to go anywhere you want anytime you want. It's more than a little frightening. But I also know that when you hold a person that you create in your arms, it all becomes worth it. Still, I have a long and hard 18 year journey ahead of me...

Sometimes I can't imagine myself being at home with kids all day, I always imagined myself in a suit doing Something Important in an Office. I used to have such huge career ambitions. Each year of graduate schooling has slowly wittled these desires down. Law school has left me exhausted and apathetic. The job market is impossible. I am just sick of trying to compete and coming up empty handed. I don't need the system telling me that I'm not good enough and not smart enough. I don't need this. Plus, I'm creative- I need to create. I'm a doer, not a sit at a desk all dayer.

Sometimes I'm positive I ended up in the wrong place. I should be teaching highschool or on a path to teaching college. I should be starting my own business or company, or making movies, or directing plays. I should be a political campaing manager or a district representative. I should be painting or drawing or teaching art.

Or I should just be with my babies, holding them, watching them and helping them grow. I'm too broken and dissillusioned to handle the rat race of the legal profession anymore.


The Flying Monkeys said...

I liked reading your entry today. i am a stay at home mom, and have been for 5 years. My oldest is 7 and the youngest is 5. Both kids had speech and language issues, particularly the older one, and once he had issues, I put a halt to everything else and just said HE COMES FIRST. If you want to keep working there is nothing wrong with that, and yes there are some things you may miss out on, but you are also giving your child a future.

Someone Being Me said...

I feel your pain. I thought I could work and have kids but as time goes on I have realized it doesn't work for me. I'm glad I tried but I am more than happy to put in my notice and stay home.

PT-LawMom said...

*Life* sucks the energy out. Kids are simultaneously a blessing and an energy drain. Their boundless energy and joy just makes your miserable lack of energy so much more apparent, which is hard to take. That's what gives us the Mommy Face. ;) For me, I just find Pumpkinhead's energy (especially at this age) completely exhausting. Thank GOD for parks, daycare, and my mother's puppies to help him get the energy out.